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Que Sera, Sera

I’m still “redesigning” my life – a process I don’t think ever really ends, but that often gets kicked into hyperdrive after a huge, life-shifting change.  I don’t know that I was this intentional about it after other, prior, significant relationships ended in my life. I certainly was not this conscious of it and saw it more as a liability than an opportunity, so I can’t say that any changes that I made were because I created blueprints and followed them to the letter. 

I think the fact that I didn’t do that, that I wasn’t intentional – or maybe that I didn’t know how to be – is (potentially) one of the reasons that things went to shit to the magnitude that they did this time.  I got tired of waiting.  I became impatient.  And I started forcing things to move without thinking of the repercussions. 

Now, granted, I could not possibly have predicted the level to which things went to shit.  And none of the ways in which it went to shit were my fault… the only thing that I can say to explain it all is that I saw the machine, I thought I knew the machine.  I thought I could control the machine because all the times the machine has gone haywire before, I’d been able to fix it (or at least stop it from getting out of control).  A part of me probably knew that I’d get caught in the machine eventually – which is what happened this time – but I couldn’t rationally believe what I irrationally knew. 

Now that there’s been some distance placed between what happened and now, I can see it more clearly (though I suspect it will take years to really see it all the way through) – and I have to ask myself, “Why did I think I could play with the machine at all?  Did I really think I was so skilled, so qualified, that I would not lose a (figurative) limb?”  It’s like playing “chicken” on a two-land highway.  Eventually you’ll get hit by a semi.  I know.  I lost a friend that way once.  You’d think I would have thought about that before I went balls deep into it, but I didn’t.  Or maybe I did and I thought, “Yeah, this won’t happen to me.” 

Folks, I’m here to tell you – it CAN happen to you. 

A friend told me last weekend that sometimes the universe kicks us in the ass a little but saves us from the worst of the consequences, as if it’s saying, “See?  This is what could happen if you don’t fix your shit right now” and to warn us that if we don’t fix our shit right now, we won’t be spared the second time.  I don’t know how I feel about that – but I’m in a place where I am willing to heed that warning.

Anyway, back to my point, knowing what I did – the very blasé way that I ran into one burning building, then another, then another, then another until I decided I was just going to stay in one – means that I really need to take a good look at what makes me want to run into the burning buildings to start with.  It means that whatever the landscape looks like, however much I might want to move “on” to the next phase, sometimes (most times?) it is not really within my ability to control.  I mean I can try – but when I try really hard, I end up running into burning buildings and coming out with third-degree burns. 

So I’m just not… Que sera, sera, no?

Oh sure, there’s plenty that I can control – my career, for example, which (thankfully) was not affected by the drama that started this whole thing (though it absolutely and very easily could have been).  I’ve been shooting a LOT again (and I’m including some of the new stuff at the end of this blog – you can follow me on Instagram @spacegoddessenterprises if you’ve a mind – shameless plug).  Writing a ton.  Playing a lot of video games (I can’t always control those, but it’s nice to know that when there’s a Radroach in your way, it’s within your power to reduce it to a liquified ball of goo). 

But the big stuff?  Stuff that involves more than one person?  Nope.  I’m just going to sit around and watch the world spin for a while. 

One Week

One week out (I promise I am not going to keep writing this week by week, making The End of All Things the catalyst for yet another countdown).

I wish I could say I was feeling better – I guess in some ways I am. There are moments when I feel almost like myself again, and then there are other moments that I still feel completely bereft. This is the grieving process maybe? I don’t know. It’s been a long time since I grieved the end of a relationship quite this much.

At any rate, let me back up. After I received Ormsby’s email I decided to write one of my own – first to tell my side of the story (since he clearly wasn’t going to listen to it), and then, really, just to say goodbye. I didn’t expect him to respond… but he did. And so we emailed for a couple of days. I finally asked if we could talk on the phone and we did… for 3.5 hours. And I saw him this past weekend. He has apologized and said it was all a big mistake, and I believe him. I believe that he feels that way. And there is a part of me that wants to run right back and do this again. But I can’t.

Because there’s a larger part of me that knows that if I did, nothing would change. And, whether I want to admit it or not, things NEED to change. And I need to know that I’m not going to get hurt like this anymore. So I told him that I would wait and see. That’s what I’m doing.

In the meantime, I’m doing some self-care. I really sat down and thought about all the things I was doing back in 2014 for me and I picked some of them back up again (like my tarot). I apologized to someone that I had hurt very, very badly back in 2014 … for no reason except that I was too anxious… and I made amends. We are friends again and he’s taught me to play Fortnite (I suck, but not as bad as I thought… and I’m getting better). I may visit him whenever it is safe to travel… which should be fun, since we’ve not seen each other in person in 20 years. Oh and I have a boudoir shoot set up for October – if there’s no one to look out for except me, now, I may as well go back to doing what makes me happy.

I have not put up any new profiles on dating sites though my Facebook page is blowing up with friend requests from people I don’t know and I am trying very hard (in some cases) to stop myself from being the troll I know I can be. I am not seeking anything right now except to surround myself with my friends – something I’m making myself do this time that I didn’t do before is letting myself completely heal before I jump back into something again. I know it won’t make for amusing reading – since half of this blog is about drama that’s been caused by jumping into things too quickly – but it’s really what’s best now. I don’t want to hurt myself any more than I want to hurt someone else.

I am still sad. I expect I will be for a while. But instead of pushing it away, I’m embracing it this time and am making it a part of this reinvention process instead of something I don’t want any part of.

And you know what? I realized today that, back in 2012 – which was the last “real” breakup I had from a relationship that was normal – there was this sense of “magic” that started to swirl around me after I’d made my peace with it, rearranging themselves to spell out a new ending. They’re doing that again. I can feel it sometimes… like I’m on the cusp of something big and new. But this time, instead of trying to force them to land where I want them to, I’m just going to let them spin… let them land where they will, when they will… and in the meantime I’ll enjoy watching them turn.

Lord Ormsby and The End of All Things

I can’t believe I’m writing this. But it’s over.

Lord Ormsby and I broke up. He dumped me, actually. Over email. I don’t really want to relate the circumstances – both because it’s a really long story, but also because, even for a chick that lives by the rule of TMI, it’s too much.

I am completely lost right now. It’s been six years since we started dating. And while things haven’t been great all the time (obviously), they weren’t terrible either, and I truly don’t know, right now, whether I’m coming or going. You truly can kill a relationship, but you can’t kill love and, whatever has happened, that hasn’t stopped.

I have been pretty deeply depressed for five days now. I’ve lost over five pounds. I don’t sleep much (which isn’t abnormal, but the kind of not sleeping I’m doing right now is pretty abnormal). I can’t really focus on anything (and haven’t been gaming at all which, again, is not like me).

And I guess, despite my “divorced” status, I can’t get through my thick, confused little brain how you go from being ready to take vows of “for better or for worse” one minute to an emailed breakup letter the next day. I mean I know the cause, and it was a BIG cause, and yet I still feel like the argument here was that we were stronger together than we are apart. But I guess he doesn’t feel that way.

Now I have to figure out how to move forward… someday… somehow… during a pandemic, when moving forward doesn’t (and can’t) look the way that it used to. Guess I need to go back to my old entries in here and see how I did it the other times… then try to figure out how to modify those methods to make them plague-friendly.

Lovely.

COVID-19 Chronicles – Kinda Stuck Here

It’s been a year since I went back to Kentucky to visit my family.  A whole year since I last saw my parents, my sister and brother-in-law, my nieces… a year since Sadie sat in a grocery cart while I pushed her recklessly around the store, making race car noises as she giggled madly.  A year since I played tag with a crawling Lydia and watched her pull herself up for the first time.

Sadie is almost too big to fit into the shopping cart now.  She’s writing her own name, and spelling words, and is more like me than I could have ever imagined one of my sister’s kids ever becoming.  And Lydia has been running, now, for ages.  She talks.  She said my name today (well, most of it… it’s four syllables long, and is a big word for a one year old) for the first time ever.

And I’m missing it.  All of it.  FaceTime, I’m starting to realize, is not a replacement for being there.  Not when they’re this little.

Part of this is my fault.  I should have made a point to travel up over Christmas… but I was busy moving (and moving is expensive) and didn’t think I’d have the energy to do both.  That was probably true, but if I’d known a goddamn pandemic was on its way, I probably would have tried to find some energy.  Or moved something around.  Or something.

When I first planned to move here, ten years ago, my old supervisor back in Louisville asked if I was worried I’d get “stuck” here.  I looked at her, smiled, and said, “I can think of worse places to be stuck.”  This is not an untrue statement, but I couldn’t fathom then (and I can’t fathom now, even if I’m living in it) a situation in which I’d be so stuck that there’d be nowhere to go to escape.

Now?  Now I don’t know when I can go back.  I’m thankful that Kentucky’s cases are dropping… that takes a load off my mind, as I sit here in this reckless-ass state where the cases are rising and the hospitals are (apparently) getting close to maxing out their resources.  At least my family is safer than I am.  That’s what matters.

It’s not that I flew home that often, see.  It’s not that I made plans to fly back all the time… flying was/is expensive and while I’m comfortable, I’m not rolling in it.  At least not since UT.  I live freaking far away by design, and because there’s not a market for what I do up there.  Being this far away has never been “easy” (and it’s gotten harder since my nieces were born), but it was made easier by the knowledge that… if I wanted to go back or if I needed to go back, I could just hop on a plane and make it happen.  Now?  Now, even if I got in my VW and drove the whole way with minimal stops I wouldn’t feel right about it.  I couldn’t be SURE that I wasn’t bringing the virus with me, and as our caseload here climbs higher and higher, the chances of that happening if I tried to make the trip, however I did it, are more likely every day.  I won’t put my family at risk.

Someone asked me today what I would have done differently if, six months before the pandemic started, I’d known it was coming.  My answer: I’d go see my family.

Because when I saw this coming, I had planned for the food shortage (not so much the toilet paper shortage, but somehow I worked that out and shouldn’t have to buy any for months).  I’ve been training for “quarantine-style introversion” most of my life.  I’d already switched jobs, which (unknowingly) set me up so that I could work from home and further limit my exposure later.  I’m good at doing what I have to do, on the ground level, to survive.  I’m good at planning ahead so that I don’t go without.  When it comes to this, though… visiting… I’ve been completely reactionary.  All I can do is hoard my vacation time so that when I can visit, I can stay long enough to try to make up for the time I’ve lost.  I mean you can’t really make up time… it doesn’t work like that… but I can try anyway.

My parents have a second, smaller house that they bought to be closer to the grandkids.  They didn’t have a TV there the last time I visited, only a CD Player and they liked to play old WWII music.  The last song that I remember hearing before I left to get to the airport, a year ago this week, was this one… and it was so appropriate (though none of us realized how appropriate at the time).

COVID-19 Chronicles: Days 57 – 68

Things are about the same.  I spent some time in Bradenton last weekend and walked the full extent of their Riverwalk.  That really is a pretty place – and it certainly has a better view than the path that I normally walk.  I also fell off of a stool and unintentionally forced my knee to bend in a way that it hasn’t for over two years.  Not abnormally, mind you… in fact, the fact that I could not bend it that way was abnormal.  Anyway it popped a little but I managed to walk four miles after that so I am sure it’s not injured.  If I did anything, I probably pulled a ligament a little and stretched a muscle that likely needed to be stretched out anyway, so it probably wasn’t all bad.

I can still walk.  That’s a good thing.  Further, I can still balance well enough to walk on the beach – went there to watch the sunset as well, then got some ice cream afterward at the Shake Pit (which is ridiculously good, if you’ve never had it… I really like hot fudge sundaes with extra fudge and the chocolate/vanilla swirl ice cream instead of plan vanilla).

My three-year-old niece broke her leg a few days ago.  She’s handling it like a champ and should be recovered in about three weeks.  I sent her massive amounts of new toys (apparently a lot of other people did too) and that was the defining moment that caused my mother to break quarantine.  My father, who has asthma, is still sheltering at their house out of caution (but it is killing him).

I feel like the last couple of weeks have flown by and have been pretty uneventful.  Ormsby has yet to see a penny from unemployment (his status for the claim is still Pending, Submitted) but if you have been following the news about Florida’s unemployment system at all, you wouldn’t be surprised to hear that.  He did find a job at a retirement community, though it is part time, and is looking for full time work.  I don’t have much else to report on that front.

Apparently I can expect to go back to the office near the first of July, at the earliest, but even then it will be one week in the office, two weeks at home, on a rotating basis, indefinitely.  This is fine with me.  My whole life I have wanted to work from home, in a quiet, controlled, quarantined environment, and it looks like I’m going to get that.  That’s worth celebrating.

Memorial Day is this weekend.  I got to log off of work a little after noon, since I hit 40 hours then and I don’t feel right about working overtime on non-urgent things I could easily complete on regular time on Monday.  I don’t have any radical, exciting plans except to deep clean my house and make peanut butter bread (the Reddit recipe), but I am looking forward to just staying in.  I figure the beaches and everything else that’s actually open will be ridiculously crowded and I am not interested in mingling with any of that.  I wouldn’t be even if COVID wasn’t a thing.  I can wait for a non-holiday weekend to do my mingling.

OH!!  So I did manage to catch an online reading of a play hosted by the Red Rose Chain theatre in Ipswich online the other day called “Fallen in Love: The Secret Heart of Anne Boleyn.”  I didn’t know what to expect, but I was so impressed – both by the actors ability to pull that off through Zoom while quarantined in their own respective homes, and just the idea of watching something live when I’m not physically in the audience, but it was incredible.

I spend a lot of time here talking about how much I like the new world that is much more amiable to introversion, but you know what I do miss?  Auditioning.  And being onstage.  I realized that the other day – now that my knee is (mostly) better and I can certainly move again, I want to get back OUT there.  Ironically, now that the time has come and I’m ready to do that again, I can’t.  Or, at least, it’s a lot harder to do when you consider how many people I’d be exposed to… (though probably less so onstage than actually in the audience, and certainly fewer when just in front of a camera).

Maybe it’s nearly time to give it a try… see what happens…

COVID-19 Chronicles: Days 47-56

I’ve spent the last week with Ormsby (or, well, he’s spent the last week with me), trying to get him situated.  We filed for unemployment for him (status is still pending… that could last a while) and applied for some things.  It was important to me that he not be on his own for the first week, so that he didn’t constantly have to look outside his window and see the place he used to work.  I don’t know if that helped, or if it prolonged the inevitable, because I did have to take him back yesterday.

Sometimes I wonder if he’d have been better off if I’d just left him in Louisville.  Possibly for the short term…at least he wouldn’t have had to have struggled for the first 2.5 years in a job hunt that he always seemed destined to lose.  But in the long term? I mean, this happened in Louisville too.  He’d have been in the same boat there as he now is here… there’s that.  I just wouldn’t feel so… responsible.

Even though I am not responsible.  I have to learn to stop taking all of this on myself. It’s going to kill me when it’s all said and done.  I have to keep telling myself I’ve done all that I can do.  And I have.  And then some.  More than many ever would.  That has to be enough… even when I don’t feel like it’s enough.  I cannot save the world.  I cannot, really, save him either.

The only person that can save Ormsby, is Ormsby.  That’s it.  I can help.  I can prolong what is, perhaps, the inevitable.  But I cannot be the only thing that keeps it at bay.

That is, after all, why we are living separately – so that I could stop being that wall.

It’s Mothers Day… I sent my mom and gift and then followed up with a card that I’d apparently had in my house for a really long time and had forgotten to send (or probably just found another one I liked better).  At any rate the gift arrived on time (because I ordered it 2 weeks ahead).  The card did not – but I also dropped it in the box on Wednesday afternoon.  So she’ll have that to look forward to.

I don’t usually go back up to Kentucky on Mothers Day, but that’s usually because I have plans to go up there at a later time – when I can stay longer.  There are no such plans this time, because I have no idea when I will be able to go back up there.  That makes this one harder.  I did talk to her (and to my dad) for a very long time.  It was nice.

They’re doing well… still social distancing.  I think their church is going to try to open soon, but I don’t think they will go in person for a while.  I don’t begrudge them going (even if I don’t) when it’s safe, but I don’t want them to take the chance that someone they know has it but doesn’t show symptoms and then one of them catches it that way.  That would be awful.

P.S. – This stupid disease is also why the ringer on my phone stays on at all times.

Florida has started opening back up.  I am not partaking yet.  I want to see what the case counts look like 2-4 weeks from now.  We did go to the beach one late afternoon down in Bradenton and we ate at Tibby’s on Friday (but it was empty).  But I am staying the hell away from everyone… like if there’s a human there, I walk the other way.

(This isn’t really that unusual… I do that even when there is no COVID.)

Good Stuff:

  • My mom LOVED her gift.  It was a wind chime that had a birds nest on top with a mother bird feeding her baby birds.  What’s funny is that I ordered it for her about a day before she called to tell me there was a nest of robins near their house that they were watching.  I smiled about that, because it was appropriate.
  • They started furloughing people at my office last Friday.  I was not furloughed.  I consider that a win.  For now.  I’m still not cracking into that stimulus money until either this pandemic has passed us, or until I absolutely have to for a personal emergency.
  • My sister and brother-in-law brought my nieces over to see my parents (from six feet away and with masks).  That was the first time they’d seen them in almost two months.  You couldn’t see anyone’s expressions, but you could seem my parents glowing in the photos.  I am glad that got to happen at least.
  • Aaaaand… finally… Ormsby and I turned my apartment into a photo studio while he was here and got some shots in.  I got back in heels for the first time in two years (paid for it a little later, but not too bad), and we got a few good shots.  I’m posting them below.

© IMJZ Photo

© IMJZ Photo

COVID-19 Chronicles: Days 41 – 46

I am not an idiot.  I watch the news.  I ordered my face masks, and one has been delivered.  I know that this shit is real.  But I have been fortunate, in that personally, other than working from home and not being able to move around as freely as I have been in the past, but it has affected me, personally, very little.

Until this week.

This week Ormsby was laid off due to the virus.  And you know what’s ridiculous?  I’m not even surprised.  His industry has been hit very hard by the whole thing, and honestly I’ve been surprised that he’s been able to hold out this long.  Most others in his industry lost their jobs – or began not being able to find freelance opportunities – months ago.  In a way he’s been lucky… and it’s shitty to call all this lucky.  I do not know what he will do – he has a place of his own, a lease he can’t break, and even if he could… well… my apartment isn’t big enough for two people and (as awful as it is to say this, I know), I kind of am enjoying having a space of my own again.  He’ll file for unemployment and then… I don’t know… I guess no one knows anything.

I still have my job, and we are as busy as ever.  That’s a good thing.

They tested one of my cousins for the virus yesterday.  Thankfully that test came back negative.  But it was another reminder that I’ve been fortunate (and continue to be fortunate) when other families – some I’ve known since I was a small child – have not been.

I’m sorry.  I know I’ve been trying to put a positive spin on all of this… and I’ll keep trying to do that.  I guess everyone gets an off day once in a while.

Florida’s governor has decided to try Phase I of reopening.  I am personally going to continue to self-isolate for a while longer.  I want to see what happens as things get back to normal… I am not convinced that this is done, and I think, if anything, reopening this soon may make it worse.  In fact, I am more likely, now, to start doing grocery delivery, whereas I haven’t resorted to that yet.

Good Stuff That Happened:

My Build-A-Bear Baby Yoda (ok, ok “The Child”) arrived today.  The Star Wars collection that graces my living room now has its own Baby Yoda shelf.  The action figures I preordered should ship later this month.

I think Ormsby and I are going to turn my apartment into a photo studio this weekend to start working on a new portfolio for me.  It’ll keep his mind off of it, and give me a boost, now that I’m moving more normally again.

Today begins Children’s Week in WoW.  It’s a special in-game holiday for me, because it also marks 12 years since I first was introduced to the game.  Happy WoW-versary to me.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a book to write.  Or maybe just an in-game achievement to go for.

IMG_3174

COVID-19 Chronicles: Days 37-40

I’d say I have an above average memory — one that can span all the way back to near infancy, in some places.  I mean I don’t actively remember every second of every day, though if I think back hard enough to what I call the “major” landmarks, I can start building out what I remember around them and connect them with days prior to and days after that “landmark” event.  It’s why I say I don’t “actively” remember things – I think the data is still there, it’s just buried in all the other shit my brain has to sift through on a daily basis.

Anyway, point being, I’ve been basically isolated from other humans, places other than my home (except the grocery store and the path that I walk every day), for over a month now.  I only see Ormsby (rarely) and my cats.  If I talk to anyone it’s via phone, text, or instant messenger.  That’s it.  And this isn’t a complaint.  It’s been quiet, I’ve gotten a lot of stuff done that I probably ordinarily would not have made time for.  In some ways, I’m living my best life right now.

What I’m getting at here, though, is that because it is so unusually quiet, and because there is not anything that ties me to the “here” (and, in fact, it is really easy to lose track of what day or time it is), I’m finding it easier to really immerse myself into the books I’ve been planning (and writing) for a really long time.  See, although I’m going to change the names of places, people, etc., I’m pulling all of what’s in there right out of my own memory.   They are prequels, really, to what I’ve written here over the years — what came before… what was FIRST.

It’s all there – it always has been – plotted out on paper, outlined, archives in place to jog my memory… but now, with the world so much quieter and so much slower, I can actually make some progress.  I can… well.. vanish… back into those times.  I can live in them again (and I’m being really careful to revisit only the good stuff right now – even I know better than to dredge through the bad shit when there’s nothing out there to wake myself back up again).  A world without COVID, without bills, where I was mercilessly naive (and that makes me laugh now) and trying to navigate a world I didn’t understand, but was fascinated with.  I get to turn all this over again and look at it and I realized, as I was walking today and thinking about what I was writing, I’m really watching myself transform into what I am now.  It’s fascinating.

To, I have to dig deep, in some ways, because I’m talking about pulling up shit that happened to me over twenty years ago now.  In so much detail that whoever reads these things will SEE these people.  Will HEAR their voices.  Will SMELL and FEEL what I did.  I’m resurrecting ghosts, in a way (even if not all of them are dead), and to do anything less doesn’t feel like I am doing those people, or those places, or those times (or myself) the justice that they deserve.  At any rate, when I get to the place I need to be, it’s like there are voices from the past echoing off my walls.  Conversations that I now remember verbatim that I could not easily access before.  And instead of freaking out over whether that stuff is still there and what I’ll do if it isn’t, I’m trusting that it will be there when I need it… and so far, they have been.

It will still be months (years, even) before this is finished.  Though if I keep writing like this, maybe not so long.  It is, after all, hard to convince myself to leave, sometimes, and come back into this other reality.

Good Stuff:

  • Really more of the same — though I am finding that this has been a really creative time for me.  I had worried that I was losing my touch.  Turns out, I just needed some quiet.
  • My knee is really recovering!!  I’m not running yet (and may not for quite a while), but can now consistently walk at my brisk speed-walking pace for 2.5 miles.  Daily.  I’m working back up to three, which was where I was at prior to the injury.  I can’t credit COVID for all of this, because this has been 2+ years coming (with many physical therapy sessions, multiple cortisone injections, plus an expensive, out of pocket, experimental procedure that apparently worked (PRP Injection)), but my need to get out of the house every day has made me want to prolong the time I spend out there rebuilding this thing… and I may very well come out of this a totally recovered woman.

COVID-19 Chronicles Days 30 – 36

Well, I finally did it.  Four baking sessions later, and I finally found the perfect sourdough loaf… it’s got the flavor I was looking for, but it’s also soft.  Like, soft enough that you can use it for sandwiches.  And it doesn’t crumble.

Having finally found THE ONE, I sent the recipe to my mom for both the starter and the bread so that she could go to town.

When I was a kid, my family would go to this little restaurant in town (the only one for a while) and have dinner together… usually with my grandmother in tow, too, after her weekly hair appointment.  The food was good, home-cooked food… you could get a cheeseburger if you wanted one, and I probably got one quite a bit at first, but I think I remember that my go-to was the grilled cheese and french fries.  Anyway, the woman who owned it baked pies and sold slices in the store.  Big, heaping, meringue-covered pies along with fruit pies… my favorite was her peanut butter meringue.  I had a slice every single week until I went to college.

The restaurant closed several years ago, and she retired.  No one took it over, so the recipes were, I thought, lost forever.  But, never being satisfied with the word “no” I decided to try to hack it back in the mid-2000’s… and after a few flops and failures, I finally figured it out.  I don’t make it often… it’s really more or less for special occasions or when I need some comfort food… but I figured COVID and the social isolation I’ve been doing for a really long time now is as good a reason to make one as any (and I happened to have a spare pie crust).

That was exactly the comfort food I needed.

Anyway, enough about food.  In other news:

My county back home saw its first COVID death.  I didn’t know the man, but my father taught with him back toward the beginning of his career.  The man was in a nursing home, and I hear that several other patients there (and some of the staff) have also contracted it, though the other person there that I know seems to be getting over it now.

My parents still do not leave their house for any reason except to get pre-ordered groceries, which they now just let them load into the car.  They don’t even roll down the windows to say that substitutions are okay.  Given dad’s asthma, that’s really the best move, I think, even though I know it is hard for them to be away from the grandkids.

My family is still healthy.  I have a slight, dry cough and had a small fever, but I don’t think it’s COVID… probably more to do with allergies or a sinus infection since it’s accompanied by sneezing and seems to be fine if I take Benadryl.  I haven’t asked to be tested, but, then, I haven’t been around anyone or done anything and I am certainly not sick enough to warrant a trip to the doctor.

The curfew in Hillsborough County got rescinded, and the mask addendum did not pass.  I bought some masks but they aren’t here yet (with my luck they’ll probably get delivered after this whole thing is over), so I try to move quickly through grocery stores if/when I have to be there.  For the record, I don’t understand why people have now decided that wearing a masks makes you invincible in places like the grocery store.  Like, when this thing first got started, people were moving through those lanes like I’d not seen… well.. ever.  Then the masks came out and now, people who wear them meander through the aisles like it’s really a life and death decision about whether they want the original flavored fruit snacks or the tropical ones.  Or they stand there texting.  Or reading Facebook.  Or whatever they do.  I really want to scream, “DON’T YOU PEOPLE KNOW THAT YOUR MASK IS NOT A FUCKING SHIELD??!!” as I walk through the grocery, but I don’t.

Stuff I’m Celebrating:

  • Pie.  And homemade sandwich bread.
  • The first of the pre-ordered Baby Yoda (okay, okay, The Child) arrived. He is fabulous.
  • I was one of the lucky ones, when the Build a Bear ones got released, and managed to get one of the Baby Yoda toys before they sold out.  I mean, it is probably going to be months before I actually see him in person, but I am congratulating myself on my ability to move on that quickly.  So yes… I “secured the asset.”
  • Also, my fiance is a professional photographer with commercial experience.  That means photos of the food I make are usually well staged and of professional quality (as long as he’s here when I am making them)… even if taken on an iPhone.  That also means that my portfolio updates don’t have to have a massive pause button even though the rest of the rest of the world has basically stopped moving… we’ll be turning my apartment into a photo studio soon.

 

COVID-19 Chronicles: Day 27-29

Yeah those loaves were NOT what I had in mind… I had to throw them both away.  There wasn’t enough starter to try again, so I’m replenishing it.  I’ve got a different recipe, its ratings are pretty good, and I’ll try again.  Note to self: whatever they say, I still need to add yeast IN ADDITION TO the yeast that’s growing in the starter.  (And no, the starter isn’t dead… it still bubbles when I feed it.)  Moving on…

Yesterday, Hillsborough County instituted a curfew (we’re still grounded, so it’s a curfew on top of being grounded).  They said that it was because too many people were still gathering together in private places.  In a way, I get it.  And it doesn’t affect me much because, well, I don’t have anywhere to BE after 9:00 anyway.  I’m in bed by 10 usually, since I log into work so damn early, but it’s the principle of the thing.  Like when my first grade teacher couldn’t figure out who was screaming in the bathroom and so she took the whole class out in the hall and paddled everyone (this was back in the days when corporal punishment was legal).  I was lucky enough to be sick that day, or I’d have gotten it too.  I WAS THE QUIET KID… though you wouldn’t guess that about me now, more than likely.

Anyway, along the lines of luck – I FOUND TOILET PAPER.  AND PAPER TOWELS.  That is a big deal because I was not one of those crazy people that bought a fuck ton of it as this got started (stocking up on food instead, remember) and as the shelves have been pretty bare since those days, I had begun to worry about having some on hand when I ran out of the little bit that I did have.  To the point that I was limiting myself to two squares per toilet use… and not cleaning things with paper towels (using washable dishtowels instead).  The dishtowel trick isn’t new… it’s just more frequent… and it doesn’t work on cat vomit.  At any rate, I went home from the store feeling pretty good.

It’s the last trip I’ll be able to make for a while because apparently as of Thursday the county is going to start requiring everyone to wear masks in public places.  I don’t have a mask.  It is impossible to GET a mask.  I don’t sew that well and couldn’t effectively make one if I had the material, so I’m fucked.  I ordered some off of Etsy last night (with a Star Wars theme, because I have to make something decent out of this shitty situation), but they won’t be here for a week or more… so what I got today (and what I already had on hand) is going to have to last until they arrive.  Mom said she’d sew me one, but I don’t know when she will get to it.  This particular thing… I don’t think is fair… I mean I get WHY you would do that, but it’s not like masks are readily available to people, and for those of us who can’t sew and who are literally having to order them, you have to give us some TIME to get them.  Or provide them.  Two days is not enough warning.  Honestly, I think this is particularly a little extreme.

Knee has been acting up again.. probably from non-use.  I started stretching and doing leg lifts (with weights) again today, then of course walked through the grocery store.. unloaded my car up two flights of stairs (four times).  Moving helps.  I have to stop being so damn stagnant.  That is the one thing I miss about the apartment complex I used to live in, because there’s no real walking path here.  I mean there’s a sidewalk, and it’s usually pretty deserted, but there’s some weird swamp property or something that’s on either side of it with no trespassing signs on either side and someone sits out there (on both sides) all damn day (always with a different license plate) just watching it.  It’s beyond bizarre, and I’m a little paranoid about what the hell is going on there, so I don’t go near it on foot.

Noblegarden on WoW.  Working on the achievement.  Been trying to get “What A Long, Strange Trip it’s Been” since I got the game and I always just kind of tire out before I can get there.  Oddly, doing the Easter Egg Hunt is kind of relaxing.  I mean I figure I can get half of it now, do the rest another year… you may ask how I know I will keep doing this… well… because I haven’t stopped since 2008.  I don’t see that changing.

Back to WoW, I guess.  I’m out of words.

Stuff I’m celebrating:

  • Got a notification that the Baby Yoda I preordered back in February is now processing.  (I know he’s “The Child” but until they give him a name, he’s Baby Yoda.  Even after they give him a name, he’s probably still going to be Baby Yoda.  Disney kind of screwed themselves, imho, by not giving him an identifier up front.
  • Found more bread flour.  That’s almost as difficult to find as the paper towels and toilet paper.
  • Tomorrow is Wednesday and I get to run a training.  That will give me a break from the writing projects I’m working on and it also helps me to break up the day a little.
  • After a day of seemingly continuous vomiting (yesterday), Milo and Cleo are both feeling much, much better today.  We had a very active game of fetch several hours ago (yes, they both know to bring their toy back so I can throw it again).