Tag Archives: model

Que Sera, Sera

I’m still “redesigning” my life – a process I don’t think ever really ends, but that often gets kicked into hyperdrive after a huge, life-shifting change.  I don’t know that I was this intentional about it after other, prior, significant relationships ended in my life. I certainly was not this conscious of it and saw it more as a liability than an opportunity, so I can’t say that any changes that I made were because I created blueprints and followed them to the letter. 

I think the fact that I didn’t do that, that I wasn’t intentional – or maybe that I didn’t know how to be – is (potentially) one of the reasons that things went to shit to the magnitude that they did this time.  I got tired of waiting.  I became impatient.  And I started forcing things to move without thinking of the repercussions. 

Now, granted, I could not possibly have predicted the level to which things went to shit.  And none of the ways in which it went to shit were my fault… the only thing that I can say to explain it all is that I saw the machine, I thought I knew the machine.  I thought I could control the machine because all the times the machine has gone haywire before, I’d been able to fix it (or at least stop it from getting out of control).  A part of me probably knew that I’d get caught in the machine eventually – which is what happened this time – but I couldn’t rationally believe what I irrationally knew. 

Now that there’s been some distance placed between what happened and now, I can see it more clearly (though I suspect it will take years to really see it all the way through) – and I have to ask myself, “Why did I think I could play with the machine at all?  Did I really think I was so skilled, so qualified, that I would not lose a (figurative) limb?”  It’s like playing “chicken” on a two-land highway.  Eventually you’ll get hit by a semi.  I know.  I lost a friend that way once.  You’d think I would have thought about that before I went balls deep into it, but I didn’t.  Or maybe I did and I thought, “Yeah, this won’t happen to me.” 

Folks, I’m here to tell you – it CAN happen to you. 

A friend told me last weekend that sometimes the universe kicks us in the ass a little but saves us from the worst of the consequences, as if it’s saying, “See?  This is what could happen if you don’t fix your shit right now” and to warn us that if we don’t fix our shit right now, we won’t be spared the second time.  I don’t know how I feel about that – but I’m in a place where I am willing to heed that warning.

Anyway, back to my point, knowing what I did – the very blasé way that I ran into one burning building, then another, then another, then another until I decided I was just going to stay in one – means that I really need to take a good look at what makes me want to run into the burning buildings to start with.  It means that whatever the landscape looks like, however much I might want to move “on” to the next phase, sometimes (most times?) it is not really within my ability to control.  I mean I can try – but when I try really hard, I end up running into burning buildings and coming out with third-degree burns. 

So I’m just not… Que sera, sera, no?

Oh sure, there’s plenty that I can control – my career, for example, which (thankfully) was not affected by the drama that started this whole thing (though it absolutely and very easily could have been).  I’ve been shooting a LOT again (and I’m including some of the new stuff at the end of this blog – you can follow me on Instagram @spacegoddessenterprises if you’ve a mind – shameless plug).  Writing a ton.  Playing a lot of video games (I can’t always control those, but it’s nice to know that when there’s a Radroach in your way, it’s within your power to reduce it to a liquified ball of goo). 

But the big stuff?  Stuff that involves more than one person?  Nope.  I’m just going to sit around and watch the world spin for a while. 

COVID-19 Chronicles: Days 47-56

I’ve spent the last week with Ormsby (or, well, he’s spent the last week with me), trying to get him situated.  We filed for unemployment for him (status is still pending… that could last a while) and applied for some things.  It was important to me that he not be on his own for the first week, so that he didn’t constantly have to look outside his window and see the place he used to work.  I don’t know if that helped, or if it prolonged the inevitable, because I did have to take him back yesterday.

Sometimes I wonder if he’d have been better off if I’d just left him in Louisville.  Possibly for the short term…at least he wouldn’t have had to have struggled for the first 2.5 years in a job hunt that he always seemed destined to lose.  But in the long term? I mean, this happened in Louisville too.  He’d have been in the same boat there as he now is here… there’s that.  I just wouldn’t feel so… responsible.

Even though I am not responsible.  I have to learn to stop taking all of this on myself. It’s going to kill me when it’s all said and done.  I have to keep telling myself I’ve done all that I can do.  And I have.  And then some.  More than many ever would.  That has to be enough… even when I don’t feel like it’s enough.  I cannot save the world.  I cannot, really, save him either.

The only person that can save Ormsby, is Ormsby.  That’s it.  I can help.  I can prolong what is, perhaps, the inevitable.  But I cannot be the only thing that keeps it at bay.

That is, after all, why we are living separately – so that I could stop being that wall.

It’s Mothers Day… I sent my mom and gift and then followed up with a card that I’d apparently had in my house for a really long time and had forgotten to send (or probably just found another one I liked better).  At any rate the gift arrived on time (because I ordered it 2 weeks ahead).  The card did not – but I also dropped it in the box on Wednesday afternoon.  So she’ll have that to look forward to.

I don’t usually go back up to Kentucky on Mothers Day, but that’s usually because I have plans to go up there at a later time – when I can stay longer.  There are no such plans this time, because I have no idea when I will be able to go back up there.  That makes this one harder.  I did talk to her (and to my dad) for a very long time.  It was nice.

They’re doing well… still social distancing.  I think their church is going to try to open soon, but I don’t think they will go in person for a while.  I don’t begrudge them going (even if I don’t) when it’s safe, but I don’t want them to take the chance that someone they know has it but doesn’t show symptoms and then one of them catches it that way.  That would be awful.

P.S. – This stupid disease is also why the ringer on my phone stays on at all times.

Florida has started opening back up.  I am not partaking yet.  I want to see what the case counts look like 2-4 weeks from now.  We did go to the beach one late afternoon down in Bradenton and we ate at Tibby’s on Friday (but it was empty).  But I am staying the hell away from everyone… like if there’s a human there, I walk the other way.

(This isn’t really that unusual… I do that even when there is no COVID.)

Good Stuff:

  • My mom LOVED her gift.  It was a wind chime that had a birds nest on top with a mother bird feeding her baby birds.  What’s funny is that I ordered it for her about a day before she called to tell me there was a nest of robins near their house that they were watching.  I smiled about that, because it was appropriate.
  • They started furloughing people at my office last Friday.  I was not furloughed.  I consider that a win.  For now.  I’m still not cracking into that stimulus money until either this pandemic has passed us, or until I absolutely have to for a personal emergency.
  • My sister and brother-in-law brought my nieces over to see my parents (from six feet away and with masks).  That was the first time they’d seen them in almost two months.  You couldn’t see anyone’s expressions, but you could seem my parents glowing in the photos.  I am glad that got to happen at least.
  • Aaaaand… finally… Ormsby and I turned my apartment into a photo studio while he was here and got some shots in.  I got back in heels for the first time in two years (paid for it a little later, but not too bad), and we got a few good shots.  I’m posting them below.

© IMJZ Photo

© IMJZ Photo

Wanna See My Panties?

I don’t think I’ve ever really talked about lingerie on this blog before.  I am pretty sure I posted some photos here that were taken at one point several years ago, but I’ve not really talked about how much I adore my lingerie collection.

I started early.  I was the kid who spent an inordinate amount of time agonizing in the local Wal-Mart about what kind of underwear I wanted to buy.  It usually had to have some sort of cartoon on it (back then it was probably Care Bears or Sesame Street or something), I needed lots of different colors, and nothing pleased me more than getting a new pack of Hanes Her Way (for girls) to wear.  It’s not like I went around showing everyone my underwear back then, mind you.  I think a lot of it was just the novelty of knowing I had something COOL on under my clothes that no one else knew about.

I grew out of my Sesame Street phase, of course, and we’ll bypass the awkward teenage years in this narrative too, because they’re not worth mentioning (except to say that I did not wear Sesame Street underwear to high school)… also I was an awkwardly shaped teenager with long legs, a nicely-shaped ass, but not much by way of a chest.  I may have gotten my period before anyone else, but tits?  Nope.

Then I hit my 20’s.  And my second puberty (of which there have been three… don’t ask me how I pulled that off, I don’t know).  I got boobs.  My ass remained awesome.  And I started modeling.  Photographers I modeled for would attempt to provide me with pieces they had purchased for models to wear, but I soon learned that most of it was pre-worn, still covered in vagina-gunk from the last model who wore the thing (despite the photographer swearing up and down that they were clean), and I wasn’t putting that ANYWHERE near my own vagina because there’s no guarantee what the photographer would DO with that pair of panties after I had finished with them.

So I started shopping for my own lingerie.  It needed to be… well… awesome.  Better than anything anyone else owned because I needed to save the integrity of my nether-regions and at the same time needed to (at least so I thought… then) preserve the fragile ego of the photographers who had spent all this time buying shit for models.  Looking back on it it was probably all the cheap shit, but I hadn’t hit my connoisseur-status yet.

Long story short, I amassed a HUGE lingerie collection.  At last count (and this has been several years ago), I owned over $5000 worth of merchandise in a rotating wardrobe (material wears out after a while).  Bras, panties, babydolls, fetish pieces, corsets, you name it, I probably had it (and if I didn’t, I’d happily purchase it).  I have professional photos of myself in nearly all of it… which was awesome, because I got paid for those shoots and the money from those shoots went to buy more lingerie.  An endless cycle of sexy undergarments that pay for themselves.  Every woman should be so lucky.

Anyway, when the opportunity came up to submit to the casting for the Luxe Lingerie Show in Tampa, I jumped at it.  I didn’t really dream I’d get in (because while I have been doing stuff like this for most of my adult life, I never have really quite grasped the fact that I am, in fact, lucky enough to GET to do this).  But I did.  And I’m very, very psyched about it – because, for a lingerie nut like me, what is better than to get to go get your hair done, your makeup done, and then get the excuse to wear your lingerie on the outside, where everyone (or at least those who purchased tickets) gets to see it?

It benefits a very worthy cause, too, which makes it doubly awesome – Hope Driven, a charity that provides services to help single parent families living in Hillsborough, Pinellas, or Pasco counties with children under the age of 13.  They provide services like short-term housing, job placement, assistance with food, electricity, and tuition… stuff that helps these families get out from underneath some of the burdens that make success sometimes seem like it’s really far away.

I don’t know how many of my readers live in the Tampa Bay area.  Or how many of you are lingerie fanatics like me.  But if you’re looking for something to do this weekend OTHER than watch beefy men in tight pants run around a football field trying to jump on top of each other, come out to American Social Tampa on Saturday night and take a peek.

You won’t be disappointed.

Luxe