Tag Archives: lingerie

COVID-19 Chronicles: Days 47-56

I’ve spent the last week with Ormsby (or, well, he’s spent the last week with me), trying to get him situated.  We filed for unemployment for him (status is still pending… that could last a while) and applied for some things.  It was important to me that he not be on his own for the first week, so that he didn’t constantly have to look outside his window and see the place he used to work.  I don’t know if that helped, or if it prolonged the inevitable, because I did have to take him back yesterday.

Sometimes I wonder if he’d have been better off if I’d just left him in Louisville.  Possibly for the short term…at least he wouldn’t have had to have struggled for the first 2.5 years in a job hunt that he always seemed destined to lose.  But in the long term? I mean, this happened in Louisville too.  He’d have been in the same boat there as he now is here… there’s that.  I just wouldn’t feel so… responsible.

Even though I am not responsible.  I have to learn to stop taking all of this on myself. It’s going to kill me when it’s all said and done.  I have to keep telling myself I’ve done all that I can do.  And I have.  And then some.  More than many ever would.  That has to be enough… even when I don’t feel like it’s enough.  I cannot save the world.  I cannot, really, save him either.

The only person that can save Ormsby, is Ormsby.  That’s it.  I can help.  I can prolong what is, perhaps, the inevitable.  But I cannot be the only thing that keeps it at bay.

That is, after all, why we are living separately – so that I could stop being that wall.

It’s Mothers Day… I sent my mom and gift and then followed up with a card that I’d apparently had in my house for a really long time and had forgotten to send (or probably just found another one I liked better).  At any rate the gift arrived on time (because I ordered it 2 weeks ahead).  The card did not – but I also dropped it in the box on Wednesday afternoon.  So she’ll have that to look forward to.

I don’t usually go back up to Kentucky on Mothers Day, but that’s usually because I have plans to go up there at a later time – when I can stay longer.  There are no such plans this time, because I have no idea when I will be able to go back up there.  That makes this one harder.  I did talk to her (and to my dad) for a very long time.  It was nice.

They’re doing well… still social distancing.  I think their church is going to try to open soon, but I don’t think they will go in person for a while.  I don’t begrudge them going (even if I don’t) when it’s safe, but I don’t want them to take the chance that someone they know has it but doesn’t show symptoms and then one of them catches it that way.  That would be awful.

P.S. – This stupid disease is also why the ringer on my phone stays on at all times.

Florida has started opening back up.  I am not partaking yet.  I want to see what the case counts look like 2-4 weeks from now.  We did go to the beach one late afternoon down in Bradenton and we ate at Tibby’s on Friday (but it was empty).  But I am staying the hell away from everyone… like if there’s a human there, I walk the other way.

(This isn’t really that unusual… I do that even when there is no COVID.)

Good Stuff:

  • My mom LOVED her gift.  It was a wind chime that had a birds nest on top with a mother bird feeding her baby birds.  What’s funny is that I ordered it for her about a day before she called to tell me there was a nest of robins near their house that they were watching.  I smiled about that, because it was appropriate.
  • They started furloughing people at my office last Friday.  I was not furloughed.  I consider that a win.  For now.  I’m still not cracking into that stimulus money until either this pandemic has passed us, or until I absolutely have to for a personal emergency.
  • My sister and brother-in-law brought my nieces over to see my parents (from six feet away and with masks).  That was the first time they’d seen them in almost two months.  You couldn’t see anyone’s expressions, but you could seem my parents glowing in the photos.  I am glad that got to happen at least.
  • Aaaaand… finally… Ormsby and I turned my apartment into a photo studio while he was here and got some shots in.  I got back in heels for the first time in two years (paid for it a little later, but not too bad), and we got a few good shots.  I’m posting them below.

© IMJZ Photo

© IMJZ Photo

Wanna See My Panties?

I don’t think I’ve ever really talked about lingerie on this blog before.  I am pretty sure I posted some photos here that were taken at one point several years ago, but I’ve not really talked about how much I adore my lingerie collection.

I started early.  I was the kid who spent an inordinate amount of time agonizing in the local Wal-Mart about what kind of underwear I wanted to buy.  It usually had to have some sort of cartoon on it (back then it was probably Care Bears or Sesame Street or something), I needed lots of different colors, and nothing pleased me more than getting a new pack of Hanes Her Way (for girls) to wear.  It’s not like I went around showing everyone my underwear back then, mind you.  I think a lot of it was just the novelty of knowing I had something COOL on under my clothes that no one else knew about.

I grew out of my Sesame Street phase, of course, and we’ll bypass the awkward teenage years in this narrative too, because they’re not worth mentioning (except to say that I did not wear Sesame Street underwear to high school)… also I was an awkwardly shaped teenager with long legs, a nicely-shaped ass, but not much by way of a chest.  I may have gotten my period before anyone else, but tits?  Nope.

Then I hit my 20’s.  And my second puberty (of which there have been three… don’t ask me how I pulled that off, I don’t know).  I got boobs.  My ass remained awesome.  And I started modeling.  Photographers I modeled for would attempt to provide me with pieces they had purchased for models to wear, but I soon learned that most of it was pre-worn, still covered in vagina-gunk from the last model who wore the thing (despite the photographer swearing up and down that they were clean), and I wasn’t putting that ANYWHERE near my own vagina because there’s no guarantee what the photographer would DO with that pair of panties after I had finished with them.

So I started shopping for my own lingerie.  It needed to be… well… awesome.  Better than anything anyone else owned because I needed to save the integrity of my nether-regions and at the same time needed to (at least so I thought… then) preserve the fragile ego of the photographers who had spent all this time buying shit for models.  Looking back on it it was probably all the cheap shit, but I hadn’t hit my connoisseur-status yet.

Long story short, I amassed a HUGE lingerie collection.  At last count (and this has been several years ago), I owned over $5000 worth of merchandise in a rotating wardrobe (material wears out after a while).  Bras, panties, babydolls, fetish pieces, corsets, you name it, I probably had it (and if I didn’t, I’d happily purchase it).  I have professional photos of myself in nearly all of it… which was awesome, because I got paid for those shoots and the money from those shoots went to buy more lingerie.  An endless cycle of sexy undergarments that pay for themselves.  Every woman should be so lucky.

Anyway, when the opportunity came up to submit to the casting for the Luxe Lingerie Show in Tampa, I jumped at it.  I didn’t really dream I’d get in (because while I have been doing stuff like this for most of my adult life, I never have really quite grasped the fact that I am, in fact, lucky enough to GET to do this).  But I did.  And I’m very, very psyched about it – because, for a lingerie nut like me, what is better than to get to go get your hair done, your makeup done, and then get the excuse to wear your lingerie on the outside, where everyone (or at least those who purchased tickets) gets to see it?

It benefits a very worthy cause, too, which makes it doubly awesome – Hope Driven, a charity that provides services to help single parent families living in Hillsborough, Pinellas, or Pasco counties with children under the age of 13.  They provide services like short-term housing, job placement, assistance with food, electricity, and tuition… stuff that helps these families get out from underneath some of the burdens that make success sometimes seem like it’s really far away.

I don’t know how many of my readers live in the Tampa Bay area.  Or how many of you are lingerie fanatics like me.  But if you’re looking for something to do this weekend OTHER than watch beefy men in tight pants run around a football field trying to jump on top of each other, come out to American Social Tampa on Saturday night and take a peek.

You won’t be disappointed.

Luxe

Retrospect

In a little over a week, I will have been posting to this blog for a year.  And in a little less than a week, it will be my birthday again – the start of another new year for me.  New adventures.  New resolutions.  New goals.  And when my birthday draws this close, I like to remember where I’ve been – especially as I start trying to work out exactly where I want to go.

I don’t always catalog my year in photos quite as well as I have this year.  I blame the smartphone craze.  And, I suppose, being in a relationship with someone who was overseas for half the year (and during the duration of the relationship) had a lot to do with it.  You learn to manage with what you have. So here it is… for retrospect’s sake:

Botboy Daily Series

While Botboy was in Afghanistan, before we’d ever met, I’d decided to send him a photo a day until he got back.  I started with the older stuff I’d done when I was beginning my modeling career (years and years ago).  But, after his second extension, I realized that I didn’t have enough sendable material and needed to make more.  I plunged my way back onto the scene, and created, in total, 130 files that were sent to Bot over the course of 130 days.  Here are some of my favorites (click to enlarge):

Day 74  Day 122  Day 125    Day 62  Day 63

Botboy Assistance

You’ll find here photos of the Botboy adventures.  The Priority Mail box on my kitchen table is one of the “coffee” shipments that he enjoyed.  I think this was the March one.  The box in my floor (and the one Satine is sniffing) is his first and only shipment to me of his things from over there.  The TransFormers and Nerfuls are part of his collection, which was stored at the top of my closet (at climate controlled temperatures and with the greatest of care) and which he promptly cleaned out when he returned.

20130317_133800  20130406_101430  20130406_114331  20130217_205144  20130425_184607  20130419_185328

 

Staying Busy

I kept myself busy while he was away.  I reorganized my apartment and got it ready to accommodate a second person.  I bought a new car.  I did the shoots.  I also redecorated my bathroom – and did all of the artwork for it myself (except the clock and shower curtain).  I even went to Ohio and went to the Broken Hearts Masquerade of 2013.  My outfit was awesome.

20130501_122818  20130421_122955  20130421_120500  20130420_171749  masquerade  Books

Healing

After his return (and prompt, abrupt departure), I was lost for a little while.  I filled my time with Gatsby, and Gatsby’s almost nightly parties.  I started drinking again.  I rode a motorcycle for my final shoot of the year.  I learned to read Tarot cards and figured out who I was and what I could do.  I even found a twin for my stuffed rabbit that I’d had for 27 years.  In essence, I healed completely.  Not just from Bot (though the larger part of that was from Bot) but from the leftover shit that was left behind from Gatsby/3.0 that ended as my year started in November 2012.  It had to be done.  No matter how painful, these things had to happen.  I understand that now.

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Re-entry

And finally, whether I was really ready or not, I put myself back out there.  I started simply; I went to the Military Ball with Metalhead.  I gothed it up for work.  I celebrated my 16th birthday in Ybor with Metalhead and took a selfie in the bathroom of the cigar shop (drunk, of course).  I’ve been on dates with others since then.  It was hard at first.  I wasn’t really ready.  But it’s better now.  And it gets easier every time I do it (even if I get disgruntled with all the failures).

20130720_133942  20130802_220711 selfie

And now, I’m here.  Staring down the barrel of 31.  A birthday I assume (and I say “assume” because my world changes very quickly) that I’ll be spending mostly alone.  But you know, I’m okay with that.  I’m okay with that because it is preferable to spending it in a relationship that is fragmenting just a little more by the day.  It’s quiet.  It’s relatively drama free.  And it gives me the peace I need to make the new resolutions I need to make.  It gives me the quiet so that I can figure out what I want for 31.  It gives me an opportunity to set my intentions, which I’ve learned, is a very important (perhaps the most important) part of the process.

Granted, I didn’t end this year quite the way I wanted to.  I don’t have the rock-solid relationship I wanted and I’m not really any closer to having one than I was at the end of May after Bot left (and honestly, looking back on it, I’m not sure that what I had with him was really as rock solid as I was led to believe).  But… thanks to Bot and the ones that came after (and even Gatsby… a little), I am much clearer on what I want in another person and, ultimately, in a relationship.  So, even though things didn’t end quite the way I wanted them to, I don’t feel as though any time has been wasted.  Isn’t that how things go, anyway?

As of next Sunday, it’ll be a new year for me.  A new beginning… with new goals…new resolutions.  And a whole new way to handle all the shit that gets thrown at my head.

It may not be pretty, but I got this.