Tag Archives: covid dating

Travel

Last weekend I went to Kansas. I know, it’s not really a “vacation hub” by any stretch of the imagination… but I was invited by (and the trip was funded by) a friend that I hadn’t seen in eighteen years (The Professor to you). I was nervous about flying (it’s really not that bad, but definitely something you still want to be careful with), and nervous that things would be awkward after so many years, but I figured I didn’t have anything to lose, so I went.

Only a few people knew I was going – or even where I was going. Ormsby knew I was traveling, but he didn’t know where – and flipped out on the day I was leaving because he decided I was going to have a hot, steamy love affair with a musician/massage therapist that I knew in Kentucky (who has a girlfriend, and who I don’t even talk to anymore because of one of Ormsby’s freakouts). Ormsby and I are not talking now… it’s probably for the best, though it was was a bummer for him to get all shitty like that while I was sitting at the airport, preparing to get on a plane. It took the better part of the 2.5 hour flight to de-anger myself, because I sure as fuck did not want HIS freakout to mess up my trip. He’s spent the last six years dragging me (not always, but a lot of the time) into his darkness and holding there. Not anymore.

Anyway, when I landed, The Professor was waiting for me. And it’s not like the TPA airport, where you have a good 5-10 minutes from the time you land to figure out how you want to greet the person that’s meeting you, as you make your way through the terminal. In Kansas, you have literally seconds… because their terminals and their doors are all right there together still. So I got off the plane, walked through a door, and there he was. I gave an awkward wave, then walked toward him, and we engulfed each other in a hug and then… well… it was like no time had passed at all. Suddenly I was 19 again; we were in each other’s arms, and it was 2002 instead of 2020, and the airport and all the people in it melted away and just didn’t matter. Time, for a few minutes anyway, just… stopped… reversed… stopped again. I don’t know if I can really explain how rare of a feeling that is, and if you’ve never experienced it yourself, it would be hard to bring you to that point of understanding it or feeling it… hovering between two eras, knowing you’re in your own time but your brain is sure that you’re in the past too… just.. suffice it to say, it was one of the most surreal moments of my life. And we remained basically inseparable for the next four days.

I am not going to write down a play-by-play here. It would take too long and you don’t want to read all that anyway. But I will say that I have never, ever, in my entire 37 years, been as spoiled or as well treated as I was that weekend. No one has ever gone out of their way for me the way that he did. I didn’t want to leave.

Not wanting a repeat of the Buttface era, though, I made sure to clarify some things before I left – because in that era, neither of us ever told the other what we wanted, and things went to shit because we were operating on different frequencies. Time was wasted, people got hurt, and there’s just no reason for that now – not that there was then either… but certainly not now. And especially not in COVID times.

Anyway, to summarize, it was decided:

Though nothing is “official” we will see each other again as we can. No one is making any hasty plans to relocate or anything. That would be extreme. And too fast. As he said, “Whatever happens, happens.”

Neither of us are seeing anyone else at the moment. Neither of us are crazy about the other person looking for/seeing someone else either, because we don’t like to share. If that changes, then we’ll communicate it.

I am putting all lingerie shoots on hold – I don’t need the money, he’s not really comfortable with it, and I am adamant that I’m not going to do anything to hurt him or to make him not trust me.

He asked me what I wanted… I said I did not know. But upon consideration, I told him I wanted to rent, as it were, with a later option to purchase if I liked the rental enough. He laughed at that (I can get businesslike sometimes when I’m negotiating this stuff), and agreed. I also told him that while last weekend had been heaven (and it really was heaven… absolutely magical), I need to see what “normal” looks like – to which he also concurred.

Ultimately? I don’t know how this will turn out. I want to see him again, I think he wants to see me again (at any rate, he says he does), but I have been burned like this so, so many times that I’m keeping the walls up. And it’s still so soon after the Ormsby debacle that I have to take it slow. The distance… well… the distance kind of forces us to anyway. Still, this is different… in some ways… than all those other times. It’s been eighteen years. We’ve moved on, danced with other people, been married… divorced… (to other people, obviously) and we still keep coming back here. Albeit this is the first time we’ve danced in person since 2002… but the point remains – after all this time, we’re not going to just disappear from each other’s lives. And “forgetting” each other isn’t likely either. Not for lack of trying, mind you.

So yeah… I don’t know what’s going to happen. I mean is it ever really possible to predict these things? After all, a month ago, I wouldn’t have predicted that I’d be “here.” But I’m watching and waiting… for now. Not hanging my hat on it at all, because I have done this tango often enough to know that it is more likely that I will twist my ankle than come away uninjured. But still hoping that he’s being real with me and that we really WILL see each other again, because now that that seal has been broken, I really don’t want to put a lid back on it.

P.S. – COVID-wise, the airport (at least these two) is very clean… people are distanced. Southwest does the best they can to keep everyone safe. I’d be ok with flying again (obviously). I do have a bit of a sore throat today, but that just as easily could be (and probably is) due to the temperature and weather change as much as it could be the virus.

The Now is Better

I keep telling myself that I need to post – and I want to post – but the thoughts that are in my head are nowhere near enough to provide me with any kind of clear narrative (and, hence, make it impossible to write about them). 

It probably also does not help that I’ve been surrounded by noise lately.  Neighbors downstairs that made it sound like their apartment was a war zone (they’ve since been evicted)… people screaming at the pool (which I can conveniently (inconveniently?) hear through my door), lawn mowers, leaf blowers, and then during most of this week and part of last, the landscaping service that is trimming trees during the day – making it impossible to do work, let alone anything creative and extracurricular.  Or, really, anything that requires any kind of thinking.

Good thing I can do the webinar delivery part of my job on autopilot. 

So, things are still pretty much the same.  Playing a lot of Fortnite with my friend.  I’m getting better at it. 

Shoots are scheduled, and I’m returning back to the world that makes me “tick” – ever grateful that if this all had to end (and it becomes clearer to me by the day that this really was for the best), at least it ended while I was still young enough to pick it back up again… if not where I left off, at least with enough time that I can keep doing it at least for a while longer. 

I finally got my car fixed – earlier this year a bunch of the dash lights started coming on… the computer had gone haywire and the ABS was no longer working.  It was a pretty expensive fix, and some people might argue that, since it drove and was basically fine, I shouldn’t spend the money on it.  But I love this car.  I have wanted this car for a really long time.  There’s no way I’m getting rid of her… ever… if it ever came down to it, and the engine died, I’d find another engine before I got another car.  So not getting her fixed was not an option.  I had to wait until I could save the money to do it – but my bonus from work came through, and the first stimulus covered some of it too, including what I had in savings already.  Not wanting me to spend all I had, my parents chipped in about half (probably also because my father also really loves my car), and that helped.  Anyway she’s all fixed now… good as new… and we zip around together when I need to run errands.

I guess the biggest news is that plane tickets have been purchased and I’m going on a trip to an undisclosed (because I’m not disclosing it, not because I don’t know where it is) location in two weeks.  I’m a little apprehensive about the flight, I won’t lie, but I’ve done all I can to take all the precautions that I can to keep myself safe – including investing in more expensive masks that contain replaceable filters (NOT the kind reserved for healthcare workers).  I am also slightly apprehensive about getting to the place to visit my friend… it has been a really long time since we last saw each other, though we’ve kept in touch periodically (and pretty consistently since the end of August).  I am sure that it will all be okay, and it’ll probably be like no time has passed at all, but you know how it is… you don’t really know what to expect.

Sometimes I sit here and, for a minute, I miss what was… I guess my brain starts doing that thing where it tries to convince me that what I had is better than what’s happening now.  Thing is, I think my brain also knows better – because if I really look at it, objectively, it wasn’t.  It wasn’t simple… it wasn’t easy… sure I didn’t have to worry about who I was going to do stuff with, but I had to worry about how I was going to pay for all the stuff that was being done.  And I had to worry about being the sole earner, the bill payer (I guess I’m still that – but it’s just my bills), the caregiver and support system, the optimist, etc., etc., etc.  And it was stressful.  I won’t say it was always bad – there were some good times sprinkled in there in some places – but if I’m being really honest, the good times were always followed by longer, unhappier situations that became progressively more extreme and serious.  And it always led to more debt that I will, whether I want to or not, have to pay off.  You can’t call American Express and tell them you shouldn’t have to pay this off because you spent six years supporting someone that you shouldn’t and it didn’t end the way you thought it would. 

And as much as I know that Ormsby wants to walk it all back… to put things back to the way they were, the truth is, the way they were was not good for me.  I was in too deep to recognize that at the time, and I guess when I DID recognize it, I told it to shut up because I wasn’t really thinking of my own wellbeing.  But now that I’ve gotten some distance from it, and I am thinking only OF me, I can see it more clearly… which is, of course, what sometimes happens when you change the perspective.

For someone who didn’t know what to write, I guess I figured it out.  All the same, I’ll leave this here… I have to go get treats for the cats in a few minutes anyway.  It’s a nail trim night.