Birthday Musings

Yesterday was my birthday.

I usually try to make resolutions on that day… it’s like my own personal New Year and it makes more sense (and makes it more personal) for me to do it now than when everyone else is doing it at the beginning of the year. It’s easy to break those anyway. I guess, really, it’s easy to break them no matter when you make the resolution if you don’t stick to it, but I digress…

This year has been so weird that I can’t even remember what my resolutions were last year. I vaguely remember thinking I needed to get the Ormsby situation under control. I’d just started the new job (the job I’m still in) so getting out of my old job wouldn’t have been on the table. I’m sure I had them, but COVID (and everything else) threw shit so off-center that I don’t know that any of them could have come to fruition anyway.

I mean if you’d told me on my birthday last year that a global pandemic was going to force us all to stay the fuck away from each other and wear masks on our faces, that I’d be single again, that I wouldn’t have gotten the promotion I’ve been promised due to COVID, that I wouldn’t see my family for a year and a half (at least) due to said pandemic, and that I’d have straightened things out with The Professor (and furthermore that I’d taken a trip to Kansas in the middle of a pandemic to SEE said Professor and started all that up again to some degree), and that I’d have become a really talented sniper on Fortnite, I’d have laughed at you.

I know I wouldn’t have believed you. 99% of that sounds absurd, even though I know it’s all true.

Which is why I don’t even know that I CAN make a resolution this year. I mean granted, life is a lot more stable for me right now than it has been during the last 6, which is nice. But I still don’t feel that it’s predictable enough for me to be able to reliably say, “Oh… yes… I think I would like to accomplish THIS and here’s how I’m going to do that,” when I don’t even know when I’ll be able to do something as simple as visit my family again. I mean yeah, I can say I’m going to keep working on my leg (which is pretty much good to go now)… or I can say I’m going to keep writing my novel (which, again, is in progress). But the big stuff? It’s impossible to say.

So I guess, if there’s any resolution at all, it’s to keep doing whatever it is I’ve been doing in the last 3-4 months to get my shit straight. To stop jumping ten chapters ahead in my mind when I am, really, only on chapter two or three and the other chapters haven’t actually been written yet, and take it as it comes. I am nothing if not resilient and, if the last year has taught me anything, anyway, it’s that shit happens and sometimes there’s nothing that I can do to control it. Or even prepare for it.

So… bring it… I guess.

(I have lost track of how many times I’ve started the year with that phrase.)

One thought on “Birthday Musings

  1. Денис November 20, 2020 at 2:56 pm Reply

    For the last few years, each birthday I take myself on a date to my fave breakfast spot in New York, sit at the same window, listen to the same song and journal about the year that has passed. I believe in the importance of ritual and traditions, and creating meaningful moments for yourself, and this is one of mine.

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