I’m still “redesigning” my life – a process I don’t think ever really ends, but that often gets kicked into hyperdrive after a huge, life-shifting change. I don’t know that I was this intentional about it after other, prior, significant relationships ended in my life. I certainly was not this conscious of it and saw it more as a liability than an opportunity, so I can’t say that any changes that I made were because I created blueprints and followed them to the letter.
I think the fact that I didn’t do that, that I wasn’t intentional – or maybe that I didn’t know how to be – is (potentially) one of the reasons that things went to shit to the magnitude that they did this time. I got tired of waiting. I became impatient. And I started forcing things to move without thinking of the repercussions.
Now, granted, I could not possibly have predicted the level to which things went to shit. And none of the ways in which it went to shit were my fault… the only thing that I can say to explain it all is that I saw the machine, I thought I knew the machine. I thought I could control the machine because all the times the machine has gone haywire before, I’d been able to fix it (or at least stop it from getting out of control). A part of me probably knew that I’d get caught in the machine eventually – which is what happened this time – but I couldn’t rationally believe what I irrationally knew.
Now that there’s been some distance placed between what happened and now, I can see it more clearly (though I suspect it will take years to really see it all the way through) – and I have to ask myself, “Why did I think I could play with the machine at all? Did I really think I was so skilled, so qualified, that I would not lose a (figurative) limb?” It’s like playing “chicken” on a two-land highway. Eventually you’ll get hit by a semi. I know. I lost a friend that way once. You’d think I would have thought about that before I went balls deep into it, but I didn’t. Or maybe I did and I thought, “Yeah, this won’t happen to me.”
Folks, I’m here to tell you – it CAN happen to you.
A friend told me last weekend that sometimes the universe kicks us in the ass a little but saves us from the worst of the consequences, as if it’s saying, “See? This is what could happen if you don’t fix your shit right now” and to warn us that if we don’t fix our shit right now, we won’t be spared the second time. I don’t know how I feel about that – but I’m in a place where I am willing to heed that warning.
Anyway, back to my point, knowing what I did – the very blasé way that I ran into one burning building, then another, then another, then another until I decided I was just going to stay in one – means that I really need to take a good look at what makes me want to run into the burning buildings to start with. It means that whatever the landscape looks like, however much I might want to move “on” to the next phase, sometimes (most times?) it is not really within my ability to control. I mean I can try – but when I try really hard, I end up running into burning buildings and coming out with third-degree burns.
So I’m just not… Que sera, sera, no?
Oh sure, there’s plenty that I can control – my career, for example, which (thankfully) was not affected by the drama that started this whole thing (though it absolutely and very easily could have been). I’ve been shooting a LOT again (and I’m including some of the new stuff at the end of this blog – you can follow me on Instagram @spacegoddessenterprises if you’ve a mind – shameless plug). Writing a ton. Playing a lot of video games (I can’t always control those, but it’s nice to know that when there’s a Radroach in your way, it’s within your power to reduce it to a liquified ball of goo).
But the big stuff? Stuff that involves more than one person? Nope. I’m just going to sit around and watch the world spin for a while.