Narcissists are (usually) male. Over half of the narcissists in the world own a penis. Which kinda explains a lot, no? (sorry boys)
Narcissists are charming. At least at first. When you meet them, they really seem like they have it all together. And they’ll make you feel important. Like you’re the only person in the room. They always have the best stories. They’ll make you laugh.
But they also are (usually) looking out for themselves. If they want to be with you, it’s because they want something from you (most of the time). Money, status, a connection, sex, sympathy… something that they can get from you that makes them feel good… that reinforces their self image and ego (usually) or something that they think you’ll give them that others simply won’t (as-in… they’ve run out of friends to have a pity party with, and you haven’t been to one of those yet, so you’re the new pity-party-person… yay).
Speaking of that, their external self image (at least the one you can see) is huge. Their ego is even larger. They live with the mentality of entitlement, of invincibility, and of the belief that everyone looks up to them.
Image. Is. Everything. It doesn’t matter what’s going on on the inside (we’ll talk about what lies underneath soon). What matters, to the Narcissist, is what everyone else sees. What everyone else thinks. Photos are important. Looks are important. Using said looks to get attention (whether physical attractiveness or other physical features) is super important. Basically, anything that can bring in more attention, more compliments, is GOOD. Therefore:
You’ll never see a bad picture of them. Those are relegated to the depths of the realm of “Under The Bed”. If they survive the digital deletion on the camera phone. And the good photos you see have undergone some form of editing or filter. Every. Single. Time.
Social Media is integral. Think about it… it’s the “Platform of Me”. Narcissists usually have a large number of “friends” (aka Followers). If there is a max number of Friends that can be had on their list, they’ve maxed it out and there is a goddamn waiting list. They use it as a platform to get their ideas out there (the way that most of us do, I guess), but they will spend more time socializing on Social Media than they do socializing in real life. Even in one-on-one situations, Social Media must know where they are, that they are having a good time, and even if they’re not having a good time, it had better fucking look as if they are having a good time because everyone out there needs to be flipping jealous of the good time they are not having. It’s the name of the game.
They buy shit. A lot of shit. They need to look good. They need to smell good. They need to keep up with the Joneses. Money is no object… even when they run out of money, it is no object. Bankruptcy is totally a thing. But it’s ok. Because they’ll look good while being bankrupt. Well… until the bank comes to take their shit, but that’s totally the bank’s fault.
Name Dropping is totally a thing. The first time you meet them, they’ll start that shit. It’s supposed to impress you. What might have been a two second interaction suddenly turns into a thirty-minute life-changing experience that really HAS to be shared. This goes back to that image thing. Really it all goes back to that image thing. But I wanted to make it it’s own thing, because it’s such an important part of who they are.
They’re entitled. In their world, shit should be given to them, no questions asked. If shit is not given to them, then they will drop you like a bad habit, complain to their Facebook minions about what a bitch you are, and find a way to get it from someone else. Getting “it” – whatever “it” is – does not involve doing any of the work themselves. Nope. Mooching is the order of the day whenever possible. Dates will consist of inviting you to dinner, then telling you that you have to pay for it (after it’s already been ordered). They expect you to wait, too, until they’re ready for you. Your own timeframe doesn’t matter. What you need doesn’t matter. It’s not about you. It’s about them. It’s always been about them.
They break all the rules. I mean it makes sense when you think about it… because to a narcissist, who doesn’t really care about anyone else, who doesn’t think that anyone else is important, rules are something that were invented for everyone else to follow. To a narcissist, rules don’t apply.
Boundaries don’t exist. Your money is their money. Your food in the fridge is their food in the fridge (and they’ll fucking take it without asking). Aretha Franklin would be PISSED because there is no R-E-S-P-E-C-T here. They’ll keep pushing… and pushing… and if you keep giving? Then it’s working. Because they’re training you for the next time they want something. Or the next time you’re kept waiting (it’ll be longer). It’s a cruel fucking kind of conditioning and abuse. And the worst part is that you won’t know you’re in it until you’re there, you have an oh shit moment, and you’re in too deep to easily dig yourself out.
It’s NEVER THEIR FAULT. They will have sob stories the likes of which you have never heard. They’ll tell you about all of the people they’ve gone out with and how horrible all their breakups are. They’ll be particularly distressed about a couple. Likewise, their worklife will be just as screwed up – they’ll have lost a lot of jobs for reasons that had nothing to do with them. People won’t get along with them, but it will (in their opinion) be because of something the other person did. If arguments are started, it is NEVER because the Narcissist said something out of line. He or she was merely reacting to something someone else said in a “hyperbolic fashion.”
For that reason, they prefer to be in leadership positions. This isn’t because they necessarily make good leaders (they think they do). But because:
It provides more job security. Because they get fired a lot.
They can’t stand for someone to tell them what to do.
In reality, due to the virtues that accompany the narcissism, their employees are often very disgruntled and unhappy. There’s a high turnover rate (which, of course, is never the Narcissist’s fault because “Underling Number One” was a bad employee anyway and screwed up too many things on the job.).
If they let you see who they really are (which doesn’t happen often), they’re pretty messed up inside. Self esteem is really low (narcissists compensate for low self esteem). They pretty much hate themselves. They need thousands of people to tell them how wonderful they are because they don’t “actually” believe in their own self worth. Pointing out their faults (on the rare occasion that they are actually lucid enough to see them) serves no purpose except to cause them to “Double Down” on the originating Narcissistic behavior. It is rare that a narcissist seeks help because doing that forces the narcissist to realize that he or she, in fact, DOES have a problem – something that, by nature, the narcissist isn’t able to do.