I did something, today, that was either very brave or very stupid.
I put in two weeks’ notice at my job. I do not have another one lined up (though I do have an interview tomorrow).
I have tried to stick with it while looking for something else, but the truth is, there just isn’t much in my field in this area. Two years ago, I moved to Louisville, thinking it would be easy to find something that was similar to what I was doing in Tampa. I was naïve to do that without doing some solid investigation (just because there were listings on a couple of job sites didn’t mean those positions were plentiful – in fact, they’re quite rare here). I searched for eight months and finally found something, and I was glad to find it… but in doing that I took a $10k pay cut. I’ve been doing twice the work that I was doing in Tampa. And the living expenses (believe it or not) are higher here than they were there. So I haven’t been living comfortably… I’ve been living paycheck to paycheck – something that I swore I would never do again.
And while I was doing that, I was putting up with a LOT of bullshit at work… the environment was toxic. I mean, really and truly toxic. I came home defeated, tired, stressed, and cranky every day. Weekends were far too short. I never felt like I had a break. I tried to stick it out… I really did. I kept thinking that if I just finished putting everything online, if I could just get past this new hire training, if I could just finish filing all the documents away, everything would settle down. But it didn’t. And then, to top it all off, they took my salary away. Made me hourly. A slave to the clock. A misclassification (according to the Department of Labor website), but they did it all the same – to save them from having to give me a raise that I absolutely deserve to comply with the new labor law that goes into effect in December.
That was the last straw. I mean if I was going to struggle, I might as well take something that didn’t require as much work and hate my life a little less, right?
But I still tried to stick it out. Until I started to get sick. See, stress has some weird effects on me. I’ve lost my ability to walk before because I was stressed out. Not so long ago (about four years ago), I got double vision. I’ve had MRIs, blood tests, everything… they can’t find the cause of it and it disappears as mysteriously as it came. The only explanation anyone has for it is stress. Those symptoms are starting to come back. Not as bad as they have been, but the fact that I’m having them at all is a warning sign that it’s coming.
So I decided to put in two weeks – to save my dignity, to save my sanity, and probably most importantly, to save my emotional and physical health.
It’s a leap of faith. It really is. Because I don’t have anything else waiting for me. As I sent the message to my boss today, I could envision myself taking a running leap, jumping off a cliff, and hoping and praying that there was something down there to catch me – no matter how far I had to fall. It hasn’t materialized yet, but, then, it’s only been about 4.5 hours since I told my boss (via email, mind you, because she couldn’t be bothered to answer the email that I sent her earlier this morning to ask her if I could meet with her at some point).
I am looking forward to the break. Regardless of whether I find a job immediately or not, I’m absolutely taking a week or more off between them. Because I need to heal… desperately. I need some kitty time. I need some painting time. Some writing time. Just time to recover. To get my thoughts together. To figure out what comes next.
And, you know, maybe this is what had to happen… maybe I needed to cut ties so that I could very seriously focus my energy on getting back to where I need to be anyway.
I guess we’ll see.