This post has no “real” narrative – it’s a series of conversations that were had between myself and Botboy on the night we saw each other, before he left. These are, in essence, some of the things he said that inspired the last several months of masochism. Or helped to… I’d say, honestly, the months of almost nightly conversations leading up to this, the amount of transparency I got that evening, combined with the conversations below, were what made me agree to wait.
I know they are not complete, they certainly do not encompass hours and hours of conversations we had both on our way to Clearwater, at the restaurant, and on the trip back to Tampa afterward. Regardless, I have intentionally left out the things that he said regarding his personal life out of respect for his privacy.
I want to start this… transcript… with part of the conversation we had a few days before that fateful night in January. He’d been calling me relentlessly since November. I didn’t know what he wanted, so I posted the T-Minus 30 Days post, and then the Fifteen Days post. He texted me, asking me to call him (or, at any rate, a callback number – he swears he didn’t put that in there, but that’s what the text said). We talked.
Me: So am I going to see you before you leave?
Botboy: Probably not.
Me: Well, that’s what I needed to know then… I’ve got to go. You be careful, okay?
Botboy: Where are you going?
Me: I’m hanging up. If you don’t want me, I don’t see that there’s anything more to say.
Botboy: I’m not just looking to get laid.
Me: Well what are you looking for?
Botboy: I’m looking for someone to handle my shit.
Me: I’ve already done that. And very well, I might add. And I’m not just looking to get laid either.
Botboy: (after more conversation)… Let’s have a flashback date!
And so we planned a date. For before he was to leave. We were going to do the same things we’d done after he’d come home – the Thai place in Clearwater. I agreed. He kept having me call him for days leading up to it to “remind him”. When I asked why he needed me to call him to remind him, he told me it was because he liked when I “did his bidding.” I shook my head. Whatever. What you have to realize is that this is just how he can be – I’ve long since learned to see the humor in it instead of getting frustrated with it.
On the day of the date, he showed up early – or tried to – to surprise me, but got the wrong building. I ended up picking him up at the mall parking lot, which is close to where I worked. We drove to Clearwater to the Thai place, making a pit stop to Toys-R-Us (that’s his thing) on the way there. We talked about a lot of things. Those things I won’t repeat here. But the gist of it was that he was telling me about how he’s gotten his life in order, had let go of the past, etc. etc. etc. I was part of the past. I did not understand why I was there, if that had been his goal. So I asked:
Me: So… then why am I here? What do you want?
Botboy: I wanted my Crazypants back… as a friend.
Me: Just as a friend? (He’d been alluding to wanting more than that in previous Skype chats.)
Botboy: I told you, we’re taking this stupid slow.
Me: But you will be gone for six months.
Botboy: That’s why… while I’m gone… I want you to date. And when I come back, if you have a boyfriend, we will go to lunch, and then I will never bother you again.
That’s when I started to think. I didn’t know what to say to that. I didn’t know whether that was what I wanted, or whether it wasn’t. I was confused.
After dinner, in the car, I was telling him about someone else I knew that wanted to date me – that I could, if I wished, easily settle down with.
Me: … but I do not want him. I do not love him.
Botboy: Do you love me?
Me: (after a pause, trying to decide whether to be truthful or not) … Maybe…
Me: (struggling for a second – hearing those damned voices in my head telling me just to say it, he was leaving, I may never get another chance) Alright, alright, YES. I do.
Still in the car, I’m driving.
Botboy has reached over, grabbed my tits, groped my legs, etc. I cannot exactly respond, as I am driving. And considering what he’d said about taking it slow, I was amused (but also confused).
Me: This is taking it slow, huh?
Botboy: Yeah! (Alluding to a prior conversation that happened months before where he’d told me he would play with my tits if I gave him a blowjob.) So now I’ve played with your tits.
Me: Yeah… you’ve skipped about a dozen bases, but yeah, you have.
Botboy: I know! So now you can give me a blowjob.
Me: Um… no, that’s not how that works. You haven’t given me what I need.
Botboy: What do you need?
Me: I’ve told you what I need.
Botboy: You need kisses.
Me: I do. To start.
Botboy: When I get back, I will run my fingers through your hair and stick my tongue down your throat…
(Yeah… this guy has game… but it makes me laugh, so I continued…) At some point around this time, he bit me. Hard. It left teeth marks (photo included). I still do not know what that was about. But the bruises were there for two weeks.
We continued to drive… I continued to think… because I did not want what he’d said earlier. I did not WANT him never to bother me again. But I didn’t want to just hop into a relationship with him either… not after the stuff I’d already been through, not knowing what I knew. So in the parking lot of the mall, after I hugged him and before he got into his car, I realized I needed to do… well… something… :
Me: Wait. Here’s what I’m going to do. I can’t take my profiles down this time… but I’ve been dating, almost endlessly, since you left. And I’m tired. Also, I want you. You know that. (He nodded.) And I don’t think it’s fair to date anyone else while I still have a thing for you. So I’m not going to pursue anything until you are back. So I’m not “actually” waiting…
Botboy: But technically…
Me: Technically, I am…
We hugged twice more. I told him to email me while he was away; he agreed. I got in my car. I left.
Lame or not, it doesn’t matter. It’s what made me agree, for whatever it was worth, to wait. And so I waited. And that’s where Season 17 picks up this year… during the waiting, the masochism, and the games.
The important stuff to remember: Aside from talking, the groping, and the fact that I have, twice, grabbed his dick through his pants, Botboy and I have never been any more physical than the hugs we’ve shared as he was leaving on the handful of times that we have been together in person. I have never seen him naked. We have never kissed, had sex, etc.