1. Have a face pic. Seriously… if you want a reply… have a face pic as your main pic. We do not get off by staring at your tits as much as you do by staring at ours. And unless your pectoral muscles have learned to speak (and if they have, you should totally donate your body to science), get over yourself.
2. Remember… we get hundreds of these messages a day from guys Just. Like. You. I know you think you’re special and all, and I know your mom probably told you that you were special growing up, but to us, you’re just some other guy trying to get into our pants. “Hi, how are you” or something equally minimal and lame will get your message ignored. If you want to stand out, YOU have to make yourself stand out.
3. Along those lines, familiarities are disrespectful. Calling us “sweetie,” “baby,” “honey,” “sexy,” “cutie,” etc. when you don’t even know us will really piss us off. Think of it like this: If you wouldn’t say it to her face when you’re introducing yourself in public, then don’t say it to her on the internet.
4. If we didn’t answer your first message, and it’s been a few days, it is acceptable to send one more (again, we get bombarded by these things… some just fall off our radar). If we don’t respond to the second one, though, don’t send another one. It just makes you look pathetic. And when you send that second message? Don’t allude to the fact that you sent us one before… it just, again, makes you look pathetic.
5. Don’t ask us if we want to have sex. Seriously. Just don’t do it.
6. Don’t message us with shit like, “Your eyes sparkle like diamonds” or “Angels sing songs about you in heaven” or something equally pathetic. (Yes, this really happened to me.) It makes us begin to question your sexuality and wonder whether you’ve ever gotten laid in your life.
7. There is a difference between “Discreet” and “Discrete.” If you don’t know the difference, Google it. And then admit it… you’ve been spelling it incorrectly all along.
8. Don’t start a first message, or, really, ANY message by telling us how large your dick is. Or about how good you are in bed. Because if you have to brag about it, honestly, you’re probably the size of a roll of quarters and your skills are imaginably lacking. And no one wants to imagine that.
9. Don’t post half-naked mirror selfies if you have a beer gut. Just don’t do it. My eyes are still burning from all of that… excess flesh. Same rule goes for those of you that are excessively hairy. We don’t need confirmation that werewolves exist.
10. And finally, DO introduce yourself. Tell us your name. Tell us what you do for a living. Tell us some things you like to do in your free time. Make us laugh (but don’t use corny jokes or pickup lines or eighth grade humor – those fail). Give us details… a full paragraph even. We like that. Have a detailed profile, but tell us some of that stuff anyway (we don’t necessarily want to go digging). Be transparent. Talk to us for a little while (but not too long) then ask us out before someone else does. Remember, you are playing a numbers game. Seriously, if we actually message you back (and we aren’t goofing around), we’re interested, just go for it.