Let The Games Begin

I knew this waiting period would be different.  I knew it would be different for many reasons, not least of which in that it started much differently than the last one did.  Botboy and I are not in a relationship.  We’ve now met in person and spent some, albeit limited, time together.  And, of course, there is that previous occurrence that happened a year ago that started this whole tumultuous ride that seems to take breaks but does not end.

I agreed, before he left, to wait for his return – in that I was not going to pursue anyone else while he was back.  I have kept my word.  There have been opportunities, of course, but I have kept my promise.  But after he left, I also amended that promise a bit (and he knows that).  As long as he kept communicating, I’d wait.  February was good… I didn’t hear from him all the time (and I wouldn’t want to hear from him all the time), but I heard from him.  Thought I could not answer because I was at work, he tried to Skype me once he got semi-situated.  After the end of February, though, he dropped off the radar.  And considering his job, that, again, didn’t surprise me.  I assumed I’d hear something out of him eventually.  He did promise to email.

Weeks passed.  I was still logging into OKC now and then to grab stuff for the Internet Dating Escapades.  One morning, I saw him on there.  And it wasn’t the fact that he was on OKC that bothered me … like I said, there is no agreement toward exclusivity.  What bothered me was this: if he had time to log into OKC, then he had time to talk to me too.  And he hadn’t been.  So, I decided to just send him a message on Facebook.  And when I did that, the first thing he did, after weeks of not saying a bloody word to me, was to ask me to send money.  No lies, I was a little pissed off.  And rightfully so, I think.  I had no money to send him – all of it was being filtered into the Kentucky trip fund and I’d just booked my car and hotel room.  But even if I had, I don’t think I would have.  It would have been different had we been in a relationship, and had we been in one for awhile (for example, if things hadn’t come crashing down last May, I wouldn’t have thought twice about it).  But as it was, I just couldn’t do it.  But we talked a little after that.  I was feeling… marginally… better.

But the overall silence continued, while the logins didn’t stop.  And I began to realize something: I am in Florida.  I am waiting for a man who seems to have become indifferent or disinterested but who fails to tell me one way or the other.  At any rate, if I’m wrong on that front, I am waiting for a man who cannot do me the favor, once in awhile of dropping a line.  I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again… Communication is of the essence in relationships.  THAT has to be the foundation – nothing else.  If you can’t communicate, then nothing else will last long.

It has been about a month and a half since the last time he really talked to me.  And like I said, I know he’s busy.  I get that.  But someone who has time to spend on OKC, someone who has time to spend all his money on toys, someone who has time to talk to people that are important to him (because regardless of how busy he is, I cannot for one second believe that he’s not been in touch with ANYONE over this period), has time to send an email or a chat or… well… something to someone he still wanted to be here.

I know that karmically I have to tell him I’m not waiting anymore.  I made a promise.  If I’m to go back on that promise, I have to tell him I’m doing it and, what’s more, I have to tell him why.

So, it’s going to go down like this:

I’m going to email him this morning to tell him I’m not waiting.

I’m pulling back from him then.  I’m getting out there.  I’m going to try to date.  I may not find anything, or anyone, but at least this way I know I’m not being stagnant.

He has until the end of July to tell me, one way or another, what he wants to do.

If he says he wants me, then when he is back, I will date him – non-exclusively, and we will take things turtle-slowly.  After all of this, I am not ready for exclusivity with him.  Not until I see that he meant what he said about not playing games.  Not until I see that there is consistency, and that’s he in it for the long haul.

If he says he has changed his mind, or he remains silent, then I cut him off at the end of July.  Completely.  No Skype, no emails, no phone calls.  That means I delete him from my Skype friends list.  That means that I create some sort of filter for his emails so that they are delivered to another place so that I cannot see them.  That means I do not take his calls. It means, essentially, that the in-and-out, hot-and-cold games can’t continue.

I wish I did not have to do this.  But I have to.  This can’t continue the way it’s been and someone once said to me, “We teach others the way we want to be treated.”  I’ve done that, I’m afraid, and I’ve done it all wrong.  This changes today.

And once it’s done, I’ll be letting it be what it is.  If July comes and we’ve spoken and we have decided to continue (turtle-slowly, and non-exclusively), great.  And if not, that’s okay too.  Because he won’t be my only option… I tend to forget… in the grand scheme of things, I am the house.  And the house always wins.

Let the games begin.

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