It’s been a month since I had that monumental chat with Botboy. In the physical part of my realm, not much has changed. I said I’d wait. I’m waiting. Some days I’m waiting more cheerfully than others, but still, I made a promise, I don’t go back on my promises, and anyway, there’s no one else I want except for the man I’m waiting for. Where else is there to go?
Things haven’t been all that great at work, though. I know I don’t write about my job often, but I’ve not been happy with it for awhile, and even less-so lately. I keep telling myself that I got that job three years ago. My mentality was different. I’d just moved here. I was trying to settle in. It was a receptionist thing that wasn’t supposed to be permanent, but then I got promoted. And then the part of the company I started working for got bought by an even bigger company and I got a huge pay raise. I stayed. It made sense to stay. But the older I’ve gotten, the more I don’t like the atmosphere… it’s childish in many ways. It’s often like going to work in a fraternity house. That was fine in my twenties, but I’m getting a little sick of the constant ball throwing (and I mean literal ball throwing), the alcoholic mentality and, ultimately, the cutthroat atmosphere that has taken hold since the beginning of that. I’m staying, for the time being, because I’m waiting and because I am due for a large bonus in September. This is to be the last of the bonuses that we were going to be given for signing on two years ago with the takeover. It’s a considerable amount of money. I can hang on for seven more months for that amount of money.
But after that, I’m realizing, things are going to have to change. Somehow. I told Botboy before he left that I needed the “time off” not only because I wanted him and no one else, but because I needed to think. And I did. I’ve thought a lot. About a lot of things. In the middle of all of the “what-ifs”, there are two certainties here. 1: I am getting a large bonus in September. 2: There are many facets of my life that I am not happy with at the moment, which demand a change, all of which can be funded by said bonus.
First, I am not happy with my drive to work. They are rebuilding roads, people are taking the way I usually take to work. It is taking me increasingly longer, daily, to get there and even longer to get home. I have tried every alternate possibility. The results are either the same, or they are worse than they were before. So, that said, I can either wait out the construction or I can move when my lease is up in November. Road construction takes forever. The obvious choice is to move. The question is to where. Acknowledging the fact that I need more living space because my one bedroom apartment isn’t cutting it for me anymore, the obvious answer is to a place with more space. I’ve been looking at houses to rent in South Tampa, as that is closer to work and the drive won’t be so nightmarish. I’ve found some options. But there is nothing that I can do until I get that bonus as I cannot currently afford to buy out my lease. Or to make the deposits necessary on another place, finance the movers, packers, etc. and move.
Second, I am not happy at my job. Reasons are listed above. I can either find a new job, potentially making less money. Or I can stick around and hope that with the upcoming transitions, things are going to improve. As I want that bonus, and as I need that bonus to facilitate the other changes, I’m staying put for now. What happens after I get that bonus will be dependent on how I feel about the job when that time rolls around.
Third, I am lonely. My social circle has diminished drastically since I’ve stopped drinking and no longer care to really be around the alcohol, and because none of my friends (at least right now) seem to be capable of doing anything BUT drink if they’re out doing something. I read somewhere a long time ago that if you stop drinking, people stop talking to you. I didn’t believe it until now, but now I know it’s true. Building new friendships is a lot of work. It’s doable, but would be easier if there were a pre-screening process (ie. Can you hang out without having to binge drink; Can you carry on a conversation without bringing every single topic back around to self pity; Are you capable of getting through the day without throwing bitch-fits about inconsequential bullshit… that kind of thing.) And that’s harder to find than you realize.
Also, I would like nothing more than to be in a stable, committed relationship with Botboy. He is the only person on this earth that has ever truly felt like home to me. I love him, and I do not want anyone else. But also, he is not here. At least not right now. And I’m not even really sure, at the end of the day, that that’s what he’s looking for with me anyway once he is BACK here. I’d like to believe that it is. And ultimately I’m waiting to see if that is, in fact, even a possibility with him. If I find that it is not, honestly, then I don’t know if I even want to stay in Tampa. Not because I think it would be better anywhere else… but because I don’t know if I can look at this place knowing that he’s in it and that I can’t be a part of him.
So, all those things said, I’ve come up with several plans. Written flow charts for various scenarios. Jesus says I think too much. I probably do. But it’s better to have a plan than to have nothing at the end of the day. And anyway, they make me feel better.
Scenario 1: It is September. I have gotten my bonus. Job is okay. Botboy and I are progressing satisfactorily. I still need more space. Solution: I get a bigger place in South Tampa, with a garage, a yard, a couple of extra bedrooms for painting and spell casting. I use the funds to pay the deposit, and I move.
Scenario 2: It is September. I have gotten my bonus. Job is NOT okay. Botboy and I are progressing satisfactorily. I still need more space. Solution: I get the bigger place in South Tampa with the bonus, but I also start looking for another, similar, job in the area. I may also go back to school to study what I REALLY want to study. But that is a subject for another blog.
Scenario 3: It is September. I have gotten my bonus. Job is okay. Botboy situation leaves much to be desired and no clarification the fronts that need to be clarified. I still need more space. Solution: I consider whether or not I can stay in Tampa with those things considered. Likely, I cannot. So I file for a transfer in the company, I move elsewhere, I cut ties with Botboy, and probably with Tampa completely.
Scenario 4: It is September. I have gotten my bonus. Job is NOT okay. Botboy situation leaves much to be desired. I still need more space. Solution: There is nothing left to stay for. Game over. I find somewhere else to go, and I move on.
It all seems so simple. And when I write it out like this, it really is. The problem is that the simple solutions on paper don’t take into account the emotional bullshit that goes along with them.
I’ve been reading my cards a lot lately. Just in general, and also based on more specific things. The Hanged Man keeps coming up in the “key card” position. The “Key Card” in the layout I use is the card that gives the overall feel for the reading – not just advice, but also the actions that are being taken and the actions that should be taken to see the eventual, overall outcome manifest itself. The Hanged Man, in the Rider-Waite deck that I prefer, features a man hanging upside down from a limb, his hands behind his back, his foot tied to the limb while the other leg is crossed behind it. He is calm. Nothing is out of order except his hair which hangs downward. What you have to understand about tarot is that the cards mean different things to different readers. But to me, and to the majority of other readers I’ve talked to, the Hanged Man symbolizes the need to “Let go or to surrender.” That’s the hardest thing for me to do… because I like for things to be signed, sealed, delivered, and solved right-the-fuck-now. The Hanged Man means that, in this regard, that I need to wait. To let some things materialize before I do anything rash, essentially, and that I need to relax as best that I can. One might ask how does a person relax when they are hanging upside down by their foot while tied to a tree. The answer is not clear. But, what we do know is that his hands are behind his back. They are not necessarily tied there. And there may be something in them that we can’t see yet. Something he uses to manipulate the situation to his favor. An “Ace” up the sleeve, if you will.
I am, right now, the Hanged Man. I am the Hanged Man, because not only am I in a state of suspension (because there is nothing that I can do right now until the other factors become clear, and not least of which, until I get the bonus), but also because I chose to put myself into this state. I chose to sign the lease for another year last November. It was my choice to stay in my job as long as I have – partially due to comfort, partially due to the fact that I didn’t think there was anywhere else to go. And finally, I chose to wait for Botboy, despite the fact that I did not have the balls to echo his question about love or that I did not have the balls to ask if there was a chance in hell that we’d actually try to pursue something when he got back. I put myself into this state of suspension.
At least there’s one thing… The common factor in all of the above scenarios is that bonus. If I can hang on for seven months, I’ll have that. And the seven months really does give time for things to sort themselves out which, sometimes, they do on their own better than they ever would had I forced them to. My mom was right that way.
So, I’ll try to make myself a little bit more comfortable on this limb.
And I’ll keep waiting.
Maybe one day I’ll find out what kind of “Ace” really is up my sleeve.