An Apology – And A Plan

First, I want to post an apology.  The last two verbal blog entries have been about a 30 day time frame for Botboy.  These were composed, and posted, under the assumption that Botboy wanted to come back only for sex.  I have, since, discovered that this was an incorrect assumption.  It was unfair of me to make said assumption, and although I apologized in person last night, I want to publicly do so now.  The thirty days is now null and void, replaced by a larger time frame with more admirable intentions, imposed by myself – the larger details of which I will not share here.

 

That is not to say, however, that I no longer condone the usage of condoms in any and all intimate situations – or to keep those supplies on hand at all times.  Because you just don’t know, sometimes, what might happen.

 

Anyway, moving forward.

2014, so far, seems to be a year of acquisition for me.  I kind of thought maybe it would be when, on New Years Eve, I randomly found $8 in cash in a purse that had, apparently, been in there since my Ohio trip last February.  I hadn’t even missed it, which is unusual, but I was excited to find it.  I hoped against hope that maybe this year I’d acquire some things I felt like I’d missed, or lost, in 2012 and 2013.  So far, I have not been disappointed, as the opportunities that have been thrown across my plate in the last couple of weeks have been endless, the revelations I’ve seen since the first of the year have been many, and the disappointments have been few.

However:

I have decided to take a break from dating for awhile.  This decision comes for two reasons.  First, because I am tired of it.  I have dated a LOT since May.  I haven’t slept around, because I don’t do that, but there have been many dates with many different people.  There have been more offers than I have accepted.  I have not found what I was looking for.  I am burnt out on the process.  I am tired of having to filter through someone else’s bullshit to see the real human underneath, only to find that they are not who they seemed.  Or that they don’t want the same things that I do.  It is exhausting.  And so, thanks to the advice of my buddy Chuck, I am pulling back for awhile.

The other reason is the Botboy.  I won’t go into details about that now.  Again, I know that that’s a cardinal sin, due to the nature of this blog, but some things are better left private.  Let’s just say that I’ve realized my heart isn’t into dating anyone else, because I don’t WANT anyone else.  I never did.  I tried, I failed, and at the end of the day, I realized why I was failing.  I can’t say for sure that we’ll end up together.  I would like for it to go that way, but I can’t say it for certain.  So I won’t.  What I will say is that I am not pursuing anyone else for the time being.  I am not taking my profiles down, but I am not pursuing anyone else.  I am not seriously seeking anyone else.  In a few months, if we both decide we want to give this a serious shot, then I’ll be able to do so.

At least then, even if it fails, we can both say we really did try.

And if, over that time period where I am not really waiting but I am waiting, he changes his mind (and it would have to be he who changes his mind – not me – because if I haven’t changed it over the course of six months, I’m not likely to over the course of a few more), well, I’ve had my break.  And then I can figure out what I want to do or where I want to go from there.

So, I wait awhile.  Like I did a year ago.  But not like I did a year ago.  I wait for him, yes, but I also wait for me.  And what will I do in the interim this time?

I have ideas.

I’ve been painting a lot.  I’ll finish my Chakra set.  It will take awhile as that is comprised of seven separate paintings.  And I’m only really half finished with one of them.  I turned my patio into a studio.  Florida is so nice year-round that I can sit out there and paint on the weekends, with the cat next to me overlooking the ducks in the pond, that it’s really quite peaceful.  And there is plenty of light.

I am considering auditioning for a play next weekend.  It would be fun to do, as I haven’t done any real acting for many years.  I miss it.  I don’t know that I will get any part in this play at all – it has been a very, very, very long time since I’ve auditioned for anything.  Modeling doesn’t count.  That’s a different medium.  But I’m going to try.  Because if I don’t get it, I can say I did.  And if I do get it, the rehearsals and the performance nights will keep me busy.  And I’ll be doing something different – and performing, which is something I really enjoy.  Plus, it will help me to expand my network a little to people that are outside my work, or outside my more education-related interests.  Don’t get me wrong, those people are great, but it never hurts to broaden your horizons a little.

There’s work, of course, which, whether I like it or not, is taking a different direction.  I am still employed.  And I think I will continue to be, Gropers be damned.  But I will be learning some new things, given some new responsibilities.  I still won’t be taking it home with me, but my mind will be occupied during working hours.

And finally, there’s this blog.  I have plans for this.  Bigger plans.  Website plans.  Projects to integrate here to make it more navigable.  Expand the content into visual and audio supplements.  I won’t say too much about it right now, because I don’t have a timeframe for it, and I don’t know how much this will cost in overhead.  But planning it, executing it, building it, and working out the kinks will take an immense amount time.

Time will fly.  That’s the thing about time – it is the only real constant we have.  The older we get, the faster it goes.  And then things will work out the way they’re supposed to.  If I’m lucky, they’ll work out the way I want them to.

Regardless, I think (and I hope that when I look back at this in December, I can say I was right) I’m due for some gains for a change.

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