You asked, over Christmas, what would happen after thirty days; if I would replace you. I didn’t have an answer for you then, except to tell you that you would be gone. I have one now.
I want you to understand something before your 30 days is over and before you leave:
I never set out to replace you. I did not want to replace you. I still don’t.
I did what I did because you disappeared, and because one of the last things you said to me before you disappeared was that I should see other people. It was not my desire to do any of that. If things had worked out differently, I’d have been perfectly happy to have stayed with you, exclusively, cooking your dinner and chatting about giant robots while we made the real, solid “attempt” that we’d planned for – an attempt that I still firmly believe would have worked, had you given it the chance. That was, after all, what I thought we both had wanted for the entire time I’d known you. But, things were what they were – by your choice, not mine. You forced my hand. I tried to heal, yes. Because that’s what healthy people do. But I never tried to replace you.
I think you know me well enough to know that, when I am committed, I do not cheat. You were away for the entire length of time that we were “together” and I never once did anything to betray you. Understand, then, that this time it is different. There is no viable commitment. I am a free agent. As it stands now, you come into my life and leave it as you please, which is fine for what it is, but not a good enough display for me to warrant investing more time, let alone emotion, into something that is so very hot and cold depending on the day. If you really wanted me, Botboy, you’d make an effort. You’d turn more than 365 days of inconsequential verbiage into tangible, legitimate action – into follow-through. Without that effort and some assurance that I’d get a return on my investment this time instead of the shit show I got last time, I can’t make promises to hold that spot open for you beyond the time frame I’m giving you now. That isn’t fair to me.
The thirty days is a time frame. Within that thirty days, I want to see you. Within thirty days, I want to give you that number ten spot.
If you turn up, awesome. At the very least, it’s the culmination of something that has been building for the better part of a year. If you don’t, I won’t hold it for you anymore. Will it still be here when you get back? Possibly. But also, perhaps not. Will I still be available when you get back? I can’t promise that either. I want you, yes, but if you don’t want me back, or, if you do, you can’t show me that, then I can’t keep holding on to something that I cannot have. Not because I am trying to replace you, please understand that, but because at this point, you have given me no reason to wait. Waiting for something that may never materialize will get me absolutely nowhere. What’s more, I’m not a fallback girl – I’m not the girl you run back to when all of your other options don’t pan out.
So you’ll make your decision. Because it is entirely up to you. It has always been entirely up to you. That’s what free will is about. And, whatever you decide, I will react accordingly.
As of tomorrow, 1/5/2014, you have fifteen days.