It’s a funny thing about cycles. It doesn’t matter whether they’re monthly ones, weekly ones, or yearly ones, no matter what you do, they always seem to cycle – and there’s nothing that you can do to put an end to it. If it’s a good one, you’re perfectly okay with it. If it’s not a good one, you’re not necessarily okay with it, but you’re at its mercy. And you know it.
I seem to be trapped in one. And I seem to have been trapped in one, at least since college. I’ve written about the venom before. I’ve talked about it in the past. It does its job and yet it still manages to leave me bereft of that which I really want. Perhaps that’s my fault – my fault for looking in all the wrong places. I don’t know. But let me explain.
Six months ago, my world got turned upside down. My boyfriend came home from Afghanistan, took all of his things out of my closet, and left me wanting – without any explanation, without any sort of cause, without, really, anything. My job got turned upside down when the Groper decided he was going to come in and first tempt me to cheat on said boyfriend (before boyfriend disappeared) and, when I didn’t, decided to start slandering me to those around the office for not acquiescing to his request. The boyfriend thing was worse than the groper thing – to begin with. I found Metalhead, healed, got back out there.
But when I talk about cycles, I mean that it’s funny how things cycle back in their own time. Because where I thought I’d settled the issue with the Groper, it turns out I haven’t. It’s nasty, really. The guy doesn’t want to drop it. Like Botboy, I have no idea what he wants. He doesn’t want me. I can’t imagine that he wants my job. I don’t know what his motives are behind all of this. I don’t see that it really matters. Truthfully. I was willing to let the past go. I largely have. Yes, I stay in my office most of the time. No, I really don’t talk to anyone. Yes, work has become, really, in most cases, bereft of any sort of socialization the way that it was months ago. But, Botboy or not, I think that would have happened anyway because it couldn’t have continued the way that it was before. It just is what it is. And I was perfectly happy to let it remain so. Let him crucify me for whatever fucked up reasons he has for doing so. Let him tell the new people that I’m a whore. Let him tell them not to associate with me. He hurts only himself. And the people that matter at work, and there are a couple that I’m friends with there… they know it’s not true.
The thing is, apparently he is not satisfied with leaving it the way that it is. Apparently he is not satisfied with letting things go. He wants to blow it out of proportion. He wants to file paperwork that will keep this in the system for months without a resolution. I don’t like it, but I don’t see that I can stop it. I’ll stand my ground inasmuch that I won’t admit to doing something I have not done. But, if I can convince my boss to convince him to just let it go, that he can win without the filing, I will.
It is inutterable chaos. Botboy causes chaos, yes. He readily admits to that. But his chaos I can handle. I have handled it in the past, I can handle it now. This sort of chaos – the kind of chaos that affects my livelihood, the kind of chaos that threatens my wellbeing – that I cannot handle.
I suppose the gold thread in all of this is Metalhead – as odd as it sounds. Months after he stormed out of my door, after I did what he once told me he wished people would do, and I left him alone, we have started talking again. Like we did before all of that craziness happened last summer. We’re friends again. It was what I wanted, most deeply, out of everything that I lost over the summer. I’ve missed Botboy. I still do. I’ve miss the social whirlwind that work used to be. But I’ve missed Metalhead the most. He’s the oldest friend I have in Florida and it has seemed strange without him. Despite what happened over the summer, he’s still like my brother. And whatever that cultlike organization did to him several months ago, he seems to have stopped following them now and is more like himself. I guess there’s always the silver lining somewhere.
Tonight we went out for drinks after work. I had dinner – he did not eat. We talked a lot – mostly about the crap that’s been going on at work. Also, a little, about what caused him to storm out of the door – even he doesn’t remember – though he says that’s just what happens to him sometimes and assured me I did absolutely nothing wrong. He read the parts of this blog that I’ve been dying for him to see (especially the part about where I said I don’t sleep with homeless people – to my utter glee, he filled in the sentences before he read what I wrote: “Well, technically, you kind of did.”) We went to the beach, and walked around for awhile (until the security guard chased us away). That was kind of fun because I haven’t been chased out of closed areas since I was a teenager. Ha!
I got home, and I thanked him for coming out with me. And I told him I was still worried. His words: “I told you to keep your chin up. Probably not as bad as you think.”
That’s the thing about silver linings. No matter how shitty things get, no matter how hard they are to find in the midst of the chaos, they’re always there. Sometimes more evident than others. But this time, I know I not only have right on my side, I know I not only have the couple of friends at work that stand with me, but I also know that if I can make something that got so broken stand upright again, I can do this with something else.
I just don’t know what It’s going to look like once I’m finished.