A couple of weeks ago, after cleaning my house from top to bottom, I took it a step further and bought a stick of sage. My intent for that sage was to clear the bad energies that had been left behind from the changes of the previous year, and to attempt to usher in something more positive.
I used the wrong color candle… I should have used a black one, since black candles are used to clear negative energies. But I got the feeling that for this, the color didn’t really matter. It was what I had, anyway, and the shops were closed. I didn’t want to wait on it any longer… I wanted the negative vibrations out of this house. Metalhead. Botboy. Gatsby. All of the wreckage that I brought in myself with the stress at work, the anxiety over the Groper. I wanted all of those things gone so that something better could take their place. So I lit the candle that I had, I used the flame from the candle to light the sage stick, and I did the smudging. The stick didn’t want to stay lit. And every time it went out, I’d go back to the candle to relight it. Finally, after thirty minutes, the house was cleansed.
I don’t know if it was the ceremonial aspect of the smudging or if what I did actually did what I wanted it to do, but immediately afterward, the house felt more calm. More peaceful. And I had better dreams that night. And in all the nights after. It left behind a nice, lavender and sage-y scent. I’d do it again. And there is plenty left in the stick to do it a time or two more if I need to. I should not need to for awhile. I am, yet again, being cautious about who I let into my apartment. I forgot that one rule of thumb, and I’ve paid heavily for that forgetfulness.
Two weeks later, with the dreams successfully at bay, and a new fascination for candles and flames reignited, I went to one of the shops I frequent and bought several colors of smaller candles. Two yellow ones for communication – open communication, communication with the guides, etc. A pink one – to usher in positive relationships. A cranberry one – for passion. A black one – to rid the house of negative energy. And a purple one – to heighten spirituality and psychic abilities, also used to increase the effectiveness of astral projection. I won’t be burning them all at the same time… It’s more to build a stock and a supply.
But I did use one of the yellow ones last night. I sat down with that yellow candle, in its selenite candleholder, with my pendulum, my favorite decks of cards, and my intent. As I consulted the cards about issues that I needed answers to, I found the ones I sought. Some of the answers were straightforward. Simple. And I could understand them. Other answers were just as straightforward… though how those things will manifest, how they could possibly manifest, I do not know. But I also know that the “how” is not something I need to worry about. And then I used the pendulum to throw out the intent… because I read, in one of my books, that the pendulum can do that. And as I spoke to it, holding it steady, my arm braced and still, it swung in that candlelight. Slowly at first and then faster as it gained its momentum. I said what I needed to say. I said my goodbyes. And I closed that circle.
When I had finished that, I sat, quietly, my eyes closed, waiting for the candle to burn down. It’s one of those small ones. Ones that will burn out in about an hour, an hour and a half at the most. I meditated while I did that… and things began to happen. The house became still, first. And then there was a faint tapping on the walls. A presence came from within the bedroom… one I cannot identify, though I don’t think it was hostile. I was not afraid… anxious, maybe, but not afraid. I have not felt something so close to me, watching me so intently, since the days before I left for college. I did not move. Instead I sat, with my eyes closed. It was there, and then it was gone.
The candle burned low enough… I did not want it to burn so low that I would not be able to remove it from the candleholder, and then I blew it out. I blew it out and removed it, and I left it sitting next to the candleholder all night – it didn’t seem right to throw it away just then and burying it is not an option. Last night, I dreamed, but I do not remember my dreams. I do remember, though, moments before waking, being able to see myself laying in my bed, then returning to myself, and seeing my first actions of that day before I did them. This is happening more and more often these days.
When I woke up today, I knew what I needed to do, though. I turned off Skype. I severed the last connections to the things I banished last night. I turned my back on those things – because I cannot move on while I still have one foot stuck in the past. If the past is supposed to become my present again, then it will catch up even if I move forward. And those things will happen in an order that makes sense to the universe, not on my own time – as frustrating as that can be.
I have spent my day cooking. And finishing the cleaning project I started. I have returned, somewhat, to World of Warcraft – though not as heavily as I did in the past, and this time with an intent to simply level the characters I already have. Not to fall back into that lifestyle of sitting on the sofa, gaming all weekend. Tonight I will burn two more of the candles, I will focus my intent, and I will let things happen.
Because there is no time like the present. And I have spent too long mourning over the past.
**Afterword: When I burned the two candles tonight, I looked for the remnant of the yellow one I burned last night. It had disappeared. I have looked everywhere for it and I cannot find it.
Maybe it’ll turn up… for now, at least, I do not have to wonder how I am supposed to dispose of it.