In an earlier entry, I compared Metalhead to Buttface, Jesus to Botboy. It seems that I was right about all of this. I’ve handled things differently. It’s pained me to do it, particularly with the Metalhead situation, which I’ve decided (after serious thought) to just let it be what it is. But it’s done.
After last week’s blog, though, it started really resonating with me that this year really has not been the year for dating. Botboy came, left, and I was left with that baggage. Metalhead joined a cult. Gatsby threw a temper tantrum when I told him I wasn’t going to sleep with him anymore (I make it a point never to have two fuck buddies at once) and started belittling Metalhead. The Vampire in my complex that was highly attracted to me started talking about biting my lips and his eyes glowed. There are divorcees who are not “quite” divorced yet. There are the ones that have more baggage than I am prepared to deal with. All of this is very funny in hindsight… because I mean who else would this happen to? But when all you want is to settle down, when you have everything else BUT that, it gets to be a little discouraging when things don’t go quite the way you want them to.
I was talking to my friend Mary the other day about all of this… she brought up the Law of Attraction to me again. It’s funny. I’m the one that introduced her to it. And I still really do believe in it – the concept that, essentially, what you put out is what you get back. I was willing to take responsibility for the Botboy one. I said some things to him when I found that profile again on OKC in such a way that I probably shouldn’t have. I said them when I was in a place of shock and anger… I did not come from a place of love. I can’t say that approaching that from a different angle would have changed anything. Intuition tells me it wouldn’t have. He had already made his choice by then. But I didn’t have to be so rough about it.
The Metalhead thing has me a little more disgruntled. Mostly because I know that there is absolutely nothing I did, and, more, absolutely nothing I could have done to have prevented this. As I said in my last post… I miss my friend. And I do. And it’s human nature, I guess, to look at these situations to see if there’s something about them we could have changed. I did. I’ve looked. I’ve tried to find something to blame myself for, and I can’t. This was all on him. He still has my key… and I thought about trying to get it back from him. But he’s lost it. And continuing to attempt to get it back means that I still have to continue to put myself in his way. It prolongs the loss. It makes me feel bad. It can’t be constructive. I decided it would be best to just change the locks and call it a day. Locks have been changed. Moving on.
It seems like the long line of disappointments is never going to end. And of course the Law of Attraction says that the more I think like that, the more I’m going to attract. So I’m trying to stop that thought process. But more, I’m trying to understand what it is that has caused me to attract this stuff up to this point. Because that’s the other thing about the Law of Attraction… you’re forced to admit that, when things continue to repeat themselves, when you see a lot of things that remind you of things you’ve already done, there’s something that you’re supposed to learn. And when you don’t learn the things you’re supposed to learn, then you see a lot of repeats. It repeats until you get it.
So… the question has now become what is it that I am doing… what belief am I carrying around (unconsciously even) that causes me to repeat this stuff over and over? Because there must be something… since the people from my past re-manifest themselves in others, in new situations, there must be something I’m missing.
So I sat down and I did some writing. Free-writing… where I just sit, and I ask a question, and I let the answers come through that way. Sometimes that’s the best way to reach my subconscious… and other times I can get my guides. But when I did this last night, it flowed for me. And an answer came. This shit keeps happening to me because I continue to allow it to happen to me. Partially because I get lonely, partially because I settle for people that are less than good for me, who exhibit my original dealbreakers, out of fear that I won’t find anyone else. I settle for less than what I deserve and because I throw that out there, that’s what I get back. I continually lower my expectations and my standards, I continually take on the extra baggage because of that fear. And when those things end, it makes that fear worse – I internalize these things as personal failures and justify all of this by believing that if I can’t even keep the ones that are lower than my own standards, how can I ever keep the ones that are at or above those standards? It’s a fear-based, fear-driven behavior.
I settle for fuck buddy relationships because, subconsciously, somewhere, in the middle of all those failures, I began to believe that I was not worthy of the real thing. Now, don’t get me wrong. Fuck buddy relationships are great sometimes – they serve their purpose. But it’s rare that they don’t lead to something more dramatic in one regard of another. When you’re trying to find something more substantial, though, they don’t serve the higher purpose. And I’ve settled for these things for too long. I dislike the drama they bring into my life.
Anyway I’ve realized this is bullshit. And I’m fixing it. I’m working first on raising my vibrations. I’m fixing myself first. Because until I do, I won’t attract anything better. I’m reprogramming my own way of thinking. Yet again, I find myself doing a cleanse of my apartment. I find myself doing a cleanse of my subconscious (though this time it’s a more serious cleansing because now I can put a finger on the issue). I’m throwing what I really, really want out there in the universe and I’m trusting that it’s going to come to me, sooner or later, and not on my time. Because it did once. I had it once. It didn’t end well, but it was everything I was looking for. And I believe it can happen again.
Paying karmic debt means that we stop repeating past behaviors. And I’ve done that (and continue to do that). I’ve let go of those things that were so toxic to me, and to my relationships. And I’m closing the door on those things completely. No more toxicity. If it’s not exactly what I want, I don’t entertain the idea of it anyway (obviously what I’m talking about here are the big things – superficial things are not dealbreakers). If he isn’t on the same page, then I’m not putting my hand in the fire anymore. Karmic debt paid this time.