It’s been a couple of months now since Botboy made his exit. I’m doing okay… I’ve visited home again – which admittedly did not have the same effect this time as it did back in November – and I’ve gotten myself (mostly) back on track. I’m still working on getting my shit together for the long haul, but it’s getting closer. I can look back on all of this now without my head spinning. That’s progress, I guess.
I can’t credit Botboy with much. For all of the shipments I made, the toys I pulled my hair out over, the hours I spent up because he was, and the stress he put me through, I don’t have a lot – at least not materially – to show for it. I guess my rewards came at the end.
Because I’m on a new path now… a path I can largely credit with his abrupt exit. I’ve always been interested in the metaphysical. I had a Ouija board when I was a kid (though I stopped playing with it when it started getting too creepy) and I’ve always had a somewhat keen fascination with ghosts and the paranormal. In 2008, during the Buttface fiasco, I bought myself my first set of Tarot cards – I didn’t understand all the meanings then, but even when I looked up the interpretations, they seemed to work for me. After Botboy took his leave, because I didn’t understand what had happened, because there was nowhere, really, to get those answers, I visited a psychic.
And when those predictions became a reality, astounded, I called the same psychic again and scheduled an appointment for a Saturday that has been almost a month ago. I went… this time the reading was a little longer (I’d paid for more time) and it confirmed the things I already knew. Some of the predictions were a little frightening – if they come to pass the way that the others did, I’ll be in big trouble, but I’m not so worried about those yet. I got the peace I wanted, and I went on about my day. Except that day was nothing anywhere NEAR normal.
Several hours after the psychic, I attended a Past Life Regression session that was given by a relaxation center here in Tampa. It was free. I figured, at best, it would be something funny to blog about. Which, I guess, is what I’m doing now, but I didn’t think it would have the effect that it did. I went into that room with three others. A guy began the session – which was a hypnosis session – and I have never been hypnotized in my life… I didn’t even think it was possible. Hell, even when I was out, I STILL doubted that I was under. And had I not seen what I saw, I’d still doubt it. But there were flashes. I won’t say what they involved, but there were flashes, and I saw things, and then the voices that I’ve heard in the past (and have written about here) spoke to me louder than they have ever spoken before. If you’re familiar with Lost, it was like the awakening flashes that they get during the last couple of episodes.
Finally these voices had faces. I knew some of them. Some of them I didn’t recognize. But they weren’t just random voices in my head that were plaguing me with instructions that I didn’t understand. I began to realize that the reason that I didn’t understand them, the reason that I’d been a “shit magnet” all these years, was because I HADN’T been listening. I’d been floating through, taking their advice when it pleased me, ignoring it when I didn’t like what they had to say. And all I wanted was just to see them again, to keep talking to them again. I began to open my mind. I began to hear them… softly at first, but once I began meditating regularly, once I began listening to them, I could really hear them. They aren’t the demented ones that I thought they were… I think that’s me. I think that’s what I become when I do NOT listen.
I’ve been on a journey. I’ve been meditating regularly with groups – I’ve been exploring my own abilities, making them stronger. I am still reading Tarot cards, but I’m doing so more seriously. I bought a new Oracle deck to supplement those readings and so far the results have been amazing. I can get the results I wanted, but now the voices help me interpret those. I can predict text messages and phone calls again the way that I could when I was in high school. I can predict numbers before they are read. I’m growing, exponentially, and I’m happy with the progress I’m making.
During the reading I was told I was here to help people. When I was on the other side, the voices told me to trust them, that they would give me a path. I trusted them, I am following that path, and when they direct me to do something, I do it. These messages come to me now when I meditate. They come to me in other ways, but most strongly when I meditate. I don’t always like them… some of them are hard to follow and the most recent one, the one to let go and to trust, was the hardest thing I have ever done. But I did it… and I’ve been rewarded. It seems they are right… when I do what they say, I am taken care of .
As I said, I’ve started down a new path. I’m growing, exponentially, with this stuff. I’m getting stronger. I’m learning how to use it not only to help myself, but to help others which is, I’ve been told (by three different counselors/psychics/whatever as well as my own voices) what I’m here to do. I’m working hard at not being the shit magnet that I was before and I’ll be registering soon to get a PhD in Metaphysics – partially to strengthen the things I already know, but also so that I can better use those things to serve that higher purpose. And I’m using the Law of Attraction (more on that in another post) to help manifest the things that I want for myself – and as a nice side-benefit, I’m becoming more positive. It works. It has always worked (and I’m just now realizing that).
I guess, ultimately, I’ve realized that once upon a time I was very awake… before I got married, before things got stifled, I was awake and alive. I could predict those phone calls, I knew things, and what’s more, because I knew them, because I was confident in them, I was making them happen. I lost it. I became a victim to my circumstances, and I just floated along aimlessly, doing what was easy because it was easy. That ended with Botboy. Yes… because of him, because of what he did, I was a victim of those circumstances, but the warning signs were there. The premonitions were there. I ignored them. And that’s on me.
But on the other hand, had he not done what he did, I wouldn’t be awake again either. I wouldn’t be doing this. I am happy… genuinely happy with what I’ve found. I don’t want to stop, and I don’t want to go to sleep again. The premonitions are there… both about him, about me, about others. I can keep walking because I know what I am doing, I know what I will be doing, and I know what I need to be doing to get there. I laugh because one of the things he used to say to me, over and over in the mornings, when he wanted me to wake up was, “Awaken!” And if I could talk to him now, I’d tell him that I have. Moreso than I think he realized, but all of it because of him. Whatever he was, whatever happened, whatever will happen, things have changed. I’m not the same person that I was a “million billion” years ago. I’m at peace, I’m happier, the voices are not angsty, my tarot and oracle cards are strong (I’ll be certified in them soon) and that PhD is just around the corner.
Botboy, I am awake!!